Calling Hours and emo/goth bullshit

This might be a little disconnected so I apologise in advance.

Calling hours suck. If you're immediate family anyway. Two of the longest hours of my life. They put you in this little room to wait for all your party to get there and then they lead you into a room where you are supposed to reflect on the deceased and think about your loss (what, now you're telling me how to mourn?!). Then they move you into the room where the body is and you're supposed to reflect some more. Then, with us, the pastor dude that's giving the eulogy said a prayer and we got to wait for the people to come and pay their respects. And since I'm a Grandkid, I had to stay to the bitter end (ugh) and watch all these people I don't fucking know file in, tell me they're sorry, ask me how I'm doing, and leave. My feet started to hurt, I didn't have anyone to really stand with because Steve went home after about an hour, and I felt like a damn robot. I cried a little bit, sure, and I acted like a good impression of myself, but I didn't feel like myself. It was weird. So, when 8 finally rolled around, I took my mom's advice and went the fuck home. I will be so damn happy when all this shit is over, seriously. I'm tired of people asking me how I am. I'm tired of people saying they're sorry. I'm tired of being treated like an invalid. Sick and tired of it all. You wanna know how I am? I'm fucking SAD is how I am. My Grandfather is dead. DEAD. NOT COMING BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN DEAD. How the fuck do you think I am? And it's great that you're sorry but you know what? Your sympathy won't bring him back. So shut the hell up. I'm fucking mourning the loss of one of the greatest influences in my life. That man loved his family so much he thought of nothing else. He always wanted to be surrounded by his family, he was so proud of us all. Even at the end of his life he wanted us all around him. That kind of devotion, love, and pride is an inspiration to anyone who was close to him. And "I'm so sorry for your loss" doesn't fucking cover it, it doesn't encompass this man's life. I'm not sorry he's gone...he was in pain, he was suffering, it's better this way. But damned if I'm not hurting like hell. And it isn't helping to have every damn person in the universe ask me how I fucking am. FUCK YOU. SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

And I'm fucking sick of these fucking emo and goth kids running around acting like all this shit is the greatest shit in the world. I don't buy for a second that Goth is a state of mind. I don't. I don't believe in all this shit. It's bullshit. Attention getting bullshit.

Selected excerpts from a YIM conversation I had tonite:

Shippo Youkai: And I worry about my friends

M i y u k i: yeah but worry about me how?

Shippo Youkai: As in I don't want anything to happen to you in any shape or form

M i y u k i: nothing has happened to me hon

Shippo Youkai: -nods- Mentally it has

M i y u k i: hon, i'm not an emo kid. i can deal with death without dwelling on it lol

Shippo Youkai: x_x please don't use emo like that..okie?

M i y u k i: erm, ok

Shippo Youkai: If anything I can't stand

Shippo Youkai: it's the emo stereotype

M i y u k i: look, whatever you want to call it, i'm not it.

Shippo Youkai: It's like you and using the word gay in the wrong sense

Shippo Youkai: XD Bleh, I dont' call it anything

Shippo Youkai: don't*

M i y u k i: ok here's the thing...there is an entire movement right now that calls itself "Emo" and the members of said movement are (for a lack of a better term) Goth lite. All the thoughts about death, none of the white/black makeup. Therefore, in order to waylay your concern, i said what i said to let you know that i'm not one of those depressed little assholes that run around pretending to be preoccupied with death and such

Shippo Youkai: hmm -thinks-

Shippo Youkai: Nope, it's not like that over here..

Shippo Youkai: people use it as an insult

Shippo Youkai: Emo is a music type

Shippo Youkai: and it is basically emotionally unstable

Shippo Youkai: And it's perfectly human to be emotional

M i y u k i: in any case...as i said...i'm not one of those emotional fuckers who has to think about death until they want to commit suicide to deal with death

M i y u k i: however you want to say it

Shippo Youkai: Ohh! You mean people who go for attention

M i y u k i: and i'd also like to say that as a gay man, you should have just as big of a problem with people using "Gay" like that as i do. using "Gay" to describe bad things give the term gay itself a bad connotation and the only way people are going to accept homosexuality is if we can erase the bad stigma associated with being Gay

Shippo Youkai: You're absolutely right Jenn. ^_^

Shippo Youkai: Infact I stopped using it a bad connotation (haha I love that word xD)

M i y u k i: and no i don't mean the little fuckers that do it for attention...well ok yeah i do mean the fuckers who do it for attention because they ALL fucking do it for attention. i'm sorry, i don't buy into all that goth/emo bullshit. it's just another way for teenagers to get attention and they need to grow the fuck up and live a little bit before they want to fucking die. GOD I am so sick of all this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!

Shippo Youkai: Yeah... I know, I feel the same way

Shippo Youkai: Attention grabbers urk me

Shippo Youkai: So do shallow people

M i y u k i: they're ALL attention grabbers...all of them. every. last. one.

Shippo Youkai: Calm down hon

M i y u k i: and i have no problem with people acting how ever they fucking want to...but don't put a name to it and call it a religion or a movement because it isn't.

M i y u k i: i am calm...if i wasn't calm, i wouldn't still be signed on

Shippo Youkai: oh ok

Shippo Youkai: I will be back , I gotta go to Albertsons <3

M i y u k i: you know what i want to tell these fucking goth/emo kids? i want to tell them to shut the hell up and learn how to dress. i like the whole goth look, don't get me wrong. but in summer when it's a million degrees out, how about we sacrifice style to practicality instead of doing the opposite, yeah? stop fucking trying to look the part and labeling yourself and put some fucking shorts on

M i y u k i: ok i'll rant to my blog then lol...have fun

I've run out of steam. I need something to eat, I'm starved. And I need to relax a little bit, read my book for a while, and sleep. I feel very very tired. Ugh.



How I'm Doing: Pissed off and depressed and many other things.
In the Background: Rent Original Broadway Cast Recording

Calling hours and Goth kids and Emo kids and what pisses me off

This might be a little disconnected so I apologise in advance.

Calling hours suck. If you're immediate family anyway. Two of the longest hours of my life. They put you in this little room to wait for all your party to get there and then they lead you into a room where you are supposed to reflect on the deceased and think about your loss (what, now you're telling me how to mourn?!). Then they move you into the room where the body is and you're supposed to reflect some more. Then, with us, the pastor dude that's giving the eulogy said a prayer and we got to wait for the people to come and pay their respects. And since I'm a Grandkid, I had to stay to the bitter end (ugh) and watch all these people I don't fucking know file in, tell me they're sorry, ask me how I'm doing, and leave. My feet started to hurt, I didn't have anyone to really stand with because Steve went home after about an hour, and I felt like a damn robot. I cried a little bit, sure, and I acted like a good impression of myself, but I didn't feel like myself. It was weird. So, when 8 finally rolled around, I took my mom's advice and went the fuck home. I will be so damn happy when all this shit is over, seriously. I'm tired of people asking me how I am. I'm tired of people saying they're sorry. I'm tired of being treated like an invalid. Sick and tired of it all. You wanna know how I am? I'm fucking SAD is how I am. My Grandfather is dead. DEAD. NOT COMING BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN DEAD. How the fuck do you think I am? And it's great that you're sorry but you know what? Your sympathy won't bring him back. So shut the hell up. I'm fucking mourning the loss of one of the greatest influences in my life. That man loved his family so much he thought of nothing else. He always wanted to be surrounded by his family, he was so proud of us all. Even at the end of his life he wanted us all around him. That kind of devotion, love, and pride is an inspiration to anyone who was close to him. And "I'm so sorry for your loss" doesn't fucking cover it, it doesn't encompass this man's life. I'm not sorry he's gone...he was in pain, he was suffering, it's better this way. But damned if I'm not hurting like hell. And it isn't helping to have every damn person in the universe ask me how I fucking am. FUCK YOU. SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

And I'm fucking sick of these fucking emo and goth kids running around acting like all this shit is the greatest shit in the world. I don't buy for a second that Goth is a state of mind. I don't. I don't believe in all this shit. It's bullshit. Attention getting bullshit.

Selected excerpts from a YIM conversation I had tonite:

Shippo Youkai: And I worry about my friends

M i y u k i: yeah but worry about me how?

Shippo Youkai: As in I don't want anything to happen to you in any shape or form

M i y u k i: nothing has happened to me hon

Shippo Youkai: -nods- Mentally it has

M i y u k i: hon, i'm not an emo kid. i can deal with death without dwelling on it lol

Shippo Youkai: x_x please don't use emo like that..okie?

M i y u k i: erm, ok

Shippo Youkai: If anything I can't stand

Shippo Youkai: it's the emo stereotype

M i y u k i: look, whatever you want to call it, i'm not it.

Shippo Youkai: It's like you and using the word gay in the wrong sense

Shippo Youkai: XD Bleh, I dont' call it anything

Shippo Youkai: don't*

M i y u k i: ok here's the thing...there is an entire movement right now that calls itself "Emo" and the members of said movement are (for a lack of a better term) Goth lite. All the thoughts about death, none of the white/black makeup. Therefore, in order to waylay your concern, i said what i said to let you know that i'm not one of those depressed little assholes that run around pretending to be preoccupied with death and such

Shippo Youkai: hmm -thinks-

Shippo Youkai: Nope, it's not like that over here..

Shippo Youkai: people use it as an insult

Shippo Youkai: Emo is a music type

Shippo Youkai: and it is basically emotionally unstable

Shippo Youkai: And it's perfectly human to be emotional

M i y u k i: in any case...as i said...i'm not one of those emotional fuckers who has to think about death until they want to commit suicide to deal with death

M i y u k i: however you want to say it

Shippo Youkai: Ohh! You mean people who go for attention

M i y u k i: and i'd also like to say that as a gay man, you should have just as big of a problem with people using "Gay" like that as i do. using "Gay" to describe bad things give the term gay itself a bad connotation and the only way people are going to accept homosexuality is if we can erase the bad stigma associated with being Gay

Shippo Youkai: You're absolutely right Jenn. ^_^

Shippo Youkai: Infact I stopped using it a bad connotation (haha I love that word xD)

M i y u k i: and no i don't mean the little fuckers that do it for attention...well ok yeah i do mean the fuckers who do it for attention because they ALL fucking do it for attention. i'm sorry, i don't buy into all that goth/emo bullshit. it's just another way for teenagers to get attention and they need to grow the fuck up and live a little bit before they want to fucking die. GOD I am so sick of all this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!

Shippo Youkai: Yeah... I know, I feel the same way

Shippo Youkai: Attention grabbers urk me

Shippo Youkai: So do shallow people

M i y u k i: they're ALL attention grabbers...all of them. every. last. one.

Shippo Youkai: Calm down hon

M i y u k i: and i have no problem with people acting how ever they fucking want to...but don't put a name to it and call it a religion or a movement because it isn't.

M i y u k i: i am calm...if i wasn't calm, i wouldn't still be signed on

Shippo Youkai: oh ok

Shippo Youkai: I will be back , I gotta go to Albertsons <3

M i y u k i: you know what i want to tell these fucking goth/emo kids? i want to tell them to shut the hell up and learn how to dress. i like the whole goth look, don't get me wrong. but in summer when it's a million degrees out, how about we sacrifice style to practicality instead of doing the opposite, yeah? stop fucking trying to look the part and labeling yourself and put some fucking shorts on

M i y u k i: ok i'll rant to my blog then lol...have fun

I've run out of steam. I need something to eat, I'm starved. And I need to relax a little bit, read my book for a while, and sleep. I feel very very tired. Ugh.



How I'm Doing: Pissed off and depressed and many other things.
In the Background: Rent Original Broadway Cast Recording

I have fucking had it with people

Ok, as most of you are aware, I lost my Grandfather to Lung Cancer this week. It's been a tough month for us and though I know he's in a better place now and not suffering anymore, it's difficult to let him go. I've been a wreck all week.

Having said that, I woke up this morning to my car being keyed and having the tire slashed. You see, the jackasses who live in the apartment next to our's have a BB Gun. They've been using the BB Gun to shoot up their apartment and various things on the porch and have generally been making violent assholes out of themselves to the point that every time I open our doors I lock up our escape risk cat to make sure he doesn't become a moving target on the outside. Well, on Tuesday this week there was some drama with Bonnie and Clyde next door. Clyde (I don't know their names, so I use psuedonyms) got into something with a girl I assume to be his ex-girlfriend and said girl keyed Bonnie's car. My husband and I saw this happen and chose, as we have about the BB Gun antics in the apartment and on the porch, to not do anything. Steve didn't want to get involved and I didn't want anything to happen in revenge for us meddling. But that changed. I went to the hospital to spend some time with my Grandpa and Steve stayed home to barbecue (he doesn't deal well with hospitals so it was ok for him to stay home). While I was at the hospital, the exgirlfriend comes back and starts more shit with Clyde, only this time it ends with her speeding away and Clyde taking pot shots at her car with the BB Gun. Not. Cool. So Steve, rightly, calles the Police. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Clyde are afraid of what the ex-girlfriend might do to them so they go upstairs to hang out with Butthead who lives in apartment 3. Steve goes upstairs to see if Butthead saw the shooting, sees Bonnie and Clyde up there, and comes back downstairs to wait for the Police. Cop comes and Steve tells the cop where to find Bonnie and Clyde. Cop takes Bonnie and Clyde back downstairs, tours apartment 2, but doesn't arrest anyone because he can't find the BB Gun. Cop tells Clyde that if anyone calls the police on them for this again, arrests will be made. Cop leaves, end of the night.

Which brings us to today. It isn't hard to believe that the fuckers in apartment 2 keyed my car and slashed my tire in retaliation for Steve calling the cops on them. My car was parked up the street a bit and not directly in front of the house, which leads me to believe someone was targeting me and not just randomly keying cars and whatnot. Considering what started this was the fact that Bonnie's car was keyed showes me what kind of people I am dealing with so it isn't a far leap to think that Bonnie, Clyde, or one of the hoard of people they have in and out of that apartment is responsible for the damage to my car. Plus, Bonnie's car has mysteriously disappeard from the street and we saw her walking home with grocery bags today. Suspicious, neh? Basically, even though I didn't see them do it, I know they done it. But considering I can't prove it, there's not much I can do about it. The cop who came out today told me as much. He also counseled me against persuing the case against them because of lack of evidence and also because something worse might happen to the car in retaliation for me pressing charges. We got the Landlord down here as well and he talked to the cop and he also, for the first time, saw all the damage in the apartment. The cop today said he was leaving a note for the night shift and if any of us tenants call about any disturbance at all, anyone in that apartment is going to jail. And I'm just itching for them to fuck up and do it. If they have any God Damned sense they will A: not do anything else to me because if anything else happens to my car while I'm home today it's pretty much a dead giveaway who did it. That's probabal cause, baby, and it gives me a better case should I sue. And B: they'll move out TODAY. They fucked up by messing with me. Clyde's ex-girlfriend might not call the cops or press charges against him but by God, I sure as hell will. If they thought all I would do is get a new tire and perhaps key their car in revenge they were sorely mistaken. With any luck, having the cops called on them twice in one week will at least get them to calm the fuck down until Tuesday when their eviction goes through. They've already been to court about the eviction and lost so they have till Tuesday to get the fuck out. Supposedly, they have someone coming over today to get some of their furniture and junk and they were going to "clean up" today as well. If that's true, and they have any God Damned sense like I said, they'll just get the fuck out today. But I know they won't. They're not that smart. In fact, I look for my CD player to be stolen, my apartment to be broken into, or my car to have something else horrible happen to it before this weekend is over. But once again...if that does happen...first of all it'll be whatever you call breaking and entering when it involves a car because my car is locked up and the windows are up. And also, if it happens while I am at home, that makes my case against them a little more solid. I mean, it's just too damn coincidental if my car gets keyed and slashed and I can show motive from them and then later the same day my CD player gets stolen or my other tires get slashed or whatever. I should call and get the number of my police report and the name of the cop that responded just in case something does happen.

And this is so not what I need right now. On top of getting ready to deal with calling hours and a funeral and everything that goes along with that, now I have car shit to deal with. I know things could get worse, things can always get worse somehow, but they aren't all that great right now. And of course this had to happen on a Saturday when I can't transfer money from my savings to my checking so I can get the tire fixed on my own. No no no...I have to call my effing father to come bail me out ONCE AGAIN! Fucking ugh.

April sucks.

How I'm Doing: Pissed Off!!!
In the Background: Street sounds, the fan, the hum of the hard drive, and the voices screaming in my head for revenge

This shit has got to stop

At first, it seemed like a harmless little thing. And they were good ideas, if painfully obvious. But these TLC life lessons things have got to stop. It's not so much the life lessons specifically, but the idea that the American Public is so stupid they need to be told stupid little OBVIOUS things by TELEVISION in order to make their lives better. Lemme tell you something people, television is ENTERTAINMENT. PERIOD. If you need to have television teach you things then you need to turn it off, get a book or a newspaper, and READ IT. I'm serious, it's high time the American Public stopped acting like the stereotype of the ugly american and started upping the intelectual mark of their lives.

And don't feed me that political "Intellectual Elite" arguement. You people who run around telling other people to look down on us smart people because we're smart need to really shut up. It all stems from a deep seated feeling that you are inferior to us because you're not as smart as us. And while there is the odd smart person who does buy into that whole elite dogma, by and large us smart people don't really care about your IQ. We don't feel superior to you for being who you are or for having whatever your IQ is. And here's a newsflash for you...while all you people were out there talking about the evils of the "Intellectual Elite" you were with the other side of your mouth talking about how education is key. So which is it? Should we educate ourselves or should we remain slack jawed yokles who can't string more than five words together without saying or spelling something wrong, breaking a grammatical rule, or using a swear word? If you'll notice, I haven't once used a swear word in this entire rant, and yet I make a perfectly understandable arguement.

Here's something you should be doing every day. THINKING FOR YOURSELF. It is completely repugnant to me to think that people out there are letting political parties and religious figureheads lead them by the nose into believing whatever they want you to believe. It sickens me. Wise up, America. Don't call Bush a dummy because your favorite celebrity or politician told you he's a dummy, call him a dummy because you came to that conclusion yourself! Don't call Bush a good man because your pastor or his pastor or his spin doctor or the GOP told you he's a good man, call him a good man because you came to that conclusion yourself! Stop letting yourselves be lead into thinking whatever THEY want you to think. Think for yourselves! THOUGHT AND INTELLIGENCE are what the politicians fear the most. They want you to let them think for you, otherwise they wouldn't be in politics. That's the function of politics, people. "Let me do the thinking for you. I know what's best for you. So vote for me." Get the facts, educate yourself, do your own thinking, come to a conclusion, and vote accordingly. And when things don't go they way you wanted them to, VOTE THE FUCKER OUT! Don't blindly keep voting them in hoping they will fix the problem and suddenly start doing what you thought they were going to do. FUCKING VOTE THEM OUT!

Having said all that, let me return to my original point. INTELLIGENCE is the best gift you can give yourself. And TV ain't gonna give it to you. Oh sure, you might learn some mindless trivia about WWII on the History Channel, or about dolphins on the Discovery Channel, or you might get your daily "What we think you should know" news fix (if you're watching Fox News anyway)...but real intelligence comes from books people. BOOKS. Go out and get you a book on WWII if you're interested in it. Get you a book on Dolphins if you're interested in them. And for Heaven's sake, get you a well respected news paper if you want to know what's really going on out there. More than one. And don't fall into the trap of looking online to get your facts. The internet is DECEPTIVE. And quite often, whatever you find on the internet will be more biased than Fox News or the Mansfield News Journal. Educate yourselves people. There's no shame in it. It's a good thing to be smart. It's not a good thing to be dumb. Dumb people are historically and categorically the ones who are shat upon by society and it isn't until they begin to educate themselves just a little bit that they realize what the hell is going on and try to do something about it.

And while I'm ranting, let's talk about politics again. I recently heard on CNN Headline News that when VP Dick Cheny stays at a hotel, one of his requests is that his TV is tuned to Fox News. Fox. News. Do you have any idea how much this, while not being surprising, pisses me off? Cheny has been facing just as much criticism on the Bush presidency as Bush himself has and rather than hear and answer his critics he chooses to watch the GOP yes-men news on Fox. It's fucking ridiculous. Anyone who bitches about the "liberal media" need look no further than Fox News to see a gross picture of bias in action. There is no damn "liberal media conspiracy." There are trusted, respected news agencies and then there is Fox News. Fox News might as well change their name to "GOP Conservative Lap Dogs of the USA Fiction." I've watched it, it isn't news. It's more "We love Bush and if you don't agree with us, you're a commie pinko who hates America!" One wonders what they will do when Bush is no longer president (which thankfully comes in only 2 more years...let's hope he doesn't kill too many more people or reputations before that day comes). I've had it with this bullshit. How they have gone this far without impaling themselves on their own sword is beyond me. I mean, with Bush's approval ratings spiraling down and down and down, it's a miricle that Fox News can find any pro-Bush things to say.

But it isn't just Fox News I'm pissed about. It's the arrogance, the sheer ARROGANCE, of this administration. Innocent kids are dying in a bid to finish what his daddy started ( and failed at). They're trying to take money away from the poor and senior citizens while trying to tell them that they will in the end gain money. No, they fucking won't. But the rich ass businessmen Bush associates with will reap the benefits as the old people suddenly find they have no money to live on and the poor people find the same situation. And don't get me started on the pseudo-religious bullshit that is the fight against homosexual marriage. He might not be calling it a religious crucade, but it is one. I am sick and tired of him trying to push his fucking religion on my ass. In fact, I'm tired of him pushing himself on me in general. It's high time to kick his ass OUT. Time for an impeachment trial and hopefully if we impeach him he'll either resign in disgrace a la Nixon or we'll be able to vote him the fuck out 2 years early. People, he IS Nixon and Iraq is his Vietnam. Ponder that while I reload.

Oh Joy...The hospital again...

WELL...Grampa's in the hospital again. Pneumonia again. Not. Fun. He can't breathe, he doesn't want to eat, he's so weak he's shaking, and I'm basically freaking out. He's depressed to boot. It's scary as hell. When I left the hospital tonite I bawled my eyes out. I ran straight to my mom's and sat and cried to her for a while. This shit sucks donkey balls. He's already tired of dealing with shit and it's only been a couple months. Cancer is a looooong haul when it comes to treatment and I can't believe he's already in this depression.

The good news is his white blood cell count sky-rocketed so his body is fighting. Considering how low his white blood cell count was before that's a total blessing. His red blood cell count is still dangerously low however so mom thinks they'll probably have to do another transfusion before he restarts chemo sometime around the 20th of this month. Problem is...with the pneumonia his lymph nodes are swollen again and the doctors can't tell whether the cancer is spreading to the lymph nodes or whether they're just swollen in reaction to the pneumonia. So basically they have to wait out the pneumonia before they can retest the lymphs to see whether they are cancerous or not. So we're on pins and needles waiting for him to kick the pneumonia.

It's hard to stay positive through all this. I can put a good face on it but when it comes right down to it, I'm truly scared that he isn't going to make it. If he keeps not eating he's just going to get weaker and weaker and that's (according to mom) what kills people in his situation. But on the other hand, there are people who have had cancer just as bad as his is and they have died much earlier in the treatment process than he is in so he's doing better than most people. His attitude scares me the most, though. It's like he just doesn't want to fight it and he hasn't even been fighting it long. He said today that he thinks he deserves to have this illness, which upset me the most. I can deal with him being pale and thin, I can deal with him being bald, I can deal with him not being well, but I can't deal with him being as depressed as all that. It's just too much.

Ugh, this fucking sucks so badly. I just wish there was something I could do. That's my thought every damn time I see him, why isn't there something I can do for him?!? I know I'm doing something for him by just being there for him, but for me that isn't enough. Ugh. Life gets complicated the more your grow up. No one warns you or prepares you for life's adult complications. They just let you be a kid...probably because you'll never be able to be like that again once you get older. *Sigh* whatever happened to the most complicated thing you have to worry about being whether you can ride a bike? When did it turn into worrying about where your next meal is going to come from or how long your grandfather is going to live before he just gives up?