Oh Joy...The hospital again...
WELL...Grampa's in the hospital again. Pneumonia again. Not. Fun. He can't breathe, he doesn't want to eat, he's so weak he's shaking, and I'm basically freaking out. He's depressed to boot. It's scary as hell. When I left the hospital tonite I bawled my eyes out. I ran straight to my mom's and sat and cried to her for a while. This shit sucks donkey balls. He's already tired of dealing with shit and it's only been a couple months. Cancer is a looooong haul when it comes to treatment and I can't believe he's already in this depression.
The good news is his white blood cell count sky-rocketed so his body is fighting. Considering how low his white blood cell count was before that's a total blessing. His red blood cell count is still dangerously low however so mom thinks they'll probably have to do another transfusion before he restarts chemo sometime around the 20th of this month. Problem is...with the pneumonia his lymph nodes are swollen again and the doctors can't tell whether the cancer is spreading to the lymph nodes or whether they're just swollen in reaction to the pneumonia. So basically they have to wait out the pneumonia before they can retest the lymphs to see whether they are cancerous or not. So we're on pins and needles waiting for him to kick the pneumonia.
It's hard to stay positive through all this. I can put a good face on it but when it comes right down to it, I'm truly scared that he isn't going to make it. If he keeps not eating he's just going to get weaker and weaker and that's (according to mom) what kills people in his situation. But on the other hand, there are people who have had cancer just as bad as his is and they have died much earlier in the treatment process than he is in so he's doing better than most people. His attitude scares me the most, though. It's like he just doesn't want to fight it and he hasn't even been fighting it long. He said today that he thinks he deserves to have this illness, which upset me the most. I can deal with him being pale and thin, I can deal with him being bald, I can deal with him not being well, but I can't deal with him being as depressed as all that. It's just too much.
Ugh, this fucking sucks so badly. I just wish there was something I could do. That's my thought every damn time I see him, why isn't there something I can do for him?!? I know I'm doing something for him by just being there for him, but for me that isn't enough. Ugh. Life gets complicated the more your grow up. No one warns you or prepares you for life's adult complications. They just let you be a kid...probably because you'll never be able to be like that again once you get older. *Sigh* whatever happened to the most complicated thing you have to worry about being whether you can ride a bike? When did it turn into worrying about where your next meal is going to come from or how long your grandfather is going to live before he just gives up?
The good news is his white blood cell count sky-rocketed so his body is fighting. Considering how low his white blood cell count was before that's a total blessing. His red blood cell count is still dangerously low however so mom thinks they'll probably have to do another transfusion before he restarts chemo sometime around the 20th of this month. Problem is...with the pneumonia his lymph nodes are swollen again and the doctors can't tell whether the cancer is spreading to the lymph nodes or whether they're just swollen in reaction to the pneumonia. So basically they have to wait out the pneumonia before they can retest the lymphs to see whether they are cancerous or not. So we're on pins and needles waiting for him to kick the pneumonia.
It's hard to stay positive through all this. I can put a good face on it but when it comes right down to it, I'm truly scared that he isn't going to make it. If he keeps not eating he's just going to get weaker and weaker and that's (according to mom) what kills people in his situation. But on the other hand, there are people who have had cancer just as bad as his is and they have died much earlier in the treatment process than he is in so he's doing better than most people. His attitude scares me the most, though. It's like he just doesn't want to fight it and he hasn't even been fighting it long. He said today that he thinks he deserves to have this illness, which upset me the most. I can deal with him being pale and thin, I can deal with him being bald, I can deal with him not being well, but I can't deal with him being as depressed as all that. It's just too much.
Ugh, this fucking sucks so badly. I just wish there was something I could do. That's my thought every damn time I see him, why isn't there something I can do for him?!? I know I'm doing something for him by just being there for him, but for me that isn't enough. Ugh. Life gets complicated the more your grow up. No one warns you or prepares you for life's adult complications. They just let you be a kid...probably because you'll never be able to be like that again once you get older. *Sigh* whatever happened to the most complicated thing you have to worry about being whether you can ride a bike? When did it turn into worrying about where your next meal is going to come from or how long your grandfather is going to live before he just gives up?
posted by Jenn at 18:41
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