DEAD BLOG

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ABANDONED. PLEASE VISIT MY NEW BLOG AT HTTP://MEWKEY.BLOGSPOT.COM . THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

Hard to blog with a sinus headache

There have been so many things going on in my brain lately. I've been reading alot of mysteries by Dorothy L. Sayers, starring my favorite novel character Lord Peter Death Bredon Wimsey. The ones I read over and over again are set in 1920s-1930s Britain. They sort-of make me wish I lived during that time. I mean of course there are certain things that should never repeat themselves (like rampant racism, sexism, and classism...and the stock market slump that bankrupted lots of people and turned into a Depression), but still. I'd so love to have a bobbed haircut (oh wait...I do), a set of crystal liquor decanters and a soda siphon, and that sense of detached but good-natured ennui that seems to hang in a cloud over Lord Peter's head. I would spend my days reading books, lunching with friends, shopping, and SMOKING INDOORS. I would spend my nights at parties or out for dinner and dancing. Of course, this is all supposing I'm rich enough to be able to do all that lol. With my luck, I'd more likely be a one-time widow married to a common farmer in Yorkshire with four kids, all my teeth falling out, all my hair falling out, and a dead cow in the fields. And I still just might be happy with all that as well. A simple life.

I also seem to have fallen in love with MS Paint Adventures. I'm going through the "Problem Sleuth" adventure again because it gets hella confusing at the end. I'm hoping I understand more of what's going on this time around lol. I also intend to register in the forums so that I can be a part of the new adventure that started this morning. More than likely they will never use any of my suggestions, but I still want to feel as though I'm a part of it. Thanks to Eric (who will probably never read this blog) for introducing me to MS Paint Adventures lol.

Money is becomming tighter and tighter these days. I've had my hours cut at work (and might be getting them cut again before long), and the cost of food keeps rising so it's dashed difficult to get groceries. But we're surviving as well as we can. I've just had to redo my tax withholdings because I'm sort of tired of owing federal and state taxes at the end of the year. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how I owe State tax. It's not like there are different withholding percentages for married and single status like for the Federal income tax. I hope to god this downturn in the economy hits the bottom soon so things can at the very least even themselves out, but I greatly fear that won't happen for some time yet. It seems every day we hear about another large industry barely keeping itself above water and begging for bailout funds.


My head is pounding. I think I'm going to end this now and go register at the MS Paint Adventures forum site. Look for this blog to be cross-posted at some point today on Live Journal and MySpace. Thanks for reading!

Emo vampires erupting from the darkest portions of my brain

Sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart. Sometimes I feel like it's been so long since I actually worried about myself that I've gone too far to be saved. Sometimes the music I listen to has such a huge effect on my mood that I suddenly write random blogs about it.

I feel like important, elloquent things are seething behind my eyes, waiting to explode from my fingertips. What ends up coming out, however, ends up being the same old emo bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like there really is too much time between my husband and me. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever make me feel complete because no one really shares enough interests with me. Sometimes I feel like I was destined to settle because I'm so far from normal that no one could ever fit me as well as I want.

Sometimes I'm so supremely unhappy that I just want to get in my car and run away from everything. Sometimes I'm so supremely happy that nothing could possibly go wrong. Most of the time I feel like running away. Fast. And never looking back.

Sometimes I feel like I would actually be ok if I really did run away. Sometimes I feel like the only way I would actually be ok is if I really did run away. Move to a larger city, leave everyone here, and start over. Stay in Ohio, but not in Mansfield.

Then again...sometimes a friend calls and makes me laugh and then suddenly the emo melts away and I feel like I can face things again. Thanks, Eric.

I'm pretty sure you don't read this blog o mine

Time to rant!

Dear Eric,
Just who the fuck do you think you are exactly? Do you enjoy watching me spiral down and down, out of control, until I crash and burn? Does it make you happy being so goddamn enigmatic that I don't even know if you're actually my fucking friend, let alone wanting to be anything more? Do you have any idea how sick and tired I am of this stupid dance you seem to be doing around me?

All these fucking hints, couched in such a way as to be open to interpretation, and then you never say what you actually fucking feel. It's infuriating. It's...truly...infuriating. And yet, I just keep coming back for more. I'm fucking tired of playing this game.

Would it kill you to either just fucking come out and say "I love you too" or "I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you?" That would solve one of my big ass problems dude. That would save me alot of grief and headaches and whatnot. But oh no...no, we must be subtle and lead me on. We must make comments like "Will Batman and Robin ever escape the Quilter's evil stitching machine?" or "I would like to give you an escape plan" or posting that fucking song on that fucking survey. And it's always up to interpretation. You COULD mean that you really care about me platonically and you know I'm unhappy in my marriage so you'd like to make me happy by finding a way for me to leave my husband. Or you COULD mean that you feel the same way about me that I do about you and you'd like to get me away from the hubs so that I can be all yours. And will you ever tell me which is correct? NO! No, you won't, because you seem to enjoy watching me twist in the wind on a very thin peice of rope that's slowly winding itself around my neck. You like watching me freak out and jump to conclusions that just fuck me up in the head even more.

Let me tell you something, Paco. And believe me, this is the truth. If I do ever actually go through with a divorce (and believe me, that day IS coming) it's not going to have anything to do with you. I'm unhappy in my marriage whether you're in the picture or not. I wasn't lying when I said I'd leave him for you...but please don't get the impression that the only way I'd leave is for you. You just happen to be the first boyfriend I want to have post-divorce. So if you have some kind of fucked up notion that you can't tell me you want me because you don't want to be the "other man" then get the fuck over yourself. And if you don't want me in a romantic sense, then what the fuck is your problem with telling me that? Why hide that information? What possible reason would there be to NOT tell me you don't want me? I've already made it perfectly clear that I can handle that information and still remain your friend. I've already made it perfectly clear that your friendship means more to me than anything.

Regardless of your reasoning, I NEED TO KNOW. I need to know either way dude. I can't take all this pussy-footing around and not saying anything one way or the other. I can't take all the hints and innuendo. It's tearing me apart little by little every day...every time you call me and all we talk about is video games and Dr. Who...every time you send me those goddamn enigmatic messages on myspace...every time you suddenly stop sending me messages for weeks on end...it's killing me. I feel like pulling a High School move and sending you a letter...

"Do you like me? Circle one, YES or NO."

And why am I saying all of this on a blog you probably never read or even know exists? Because I don't have the fucking balls to say it to your face for fear of losing you forever.

Best Regards,
Jenn

A day in the life of a loan officer at a small, local branch of an Ohio Credit Union

7:50AM: Walked into an interesting time this morning. The boss isn’t here today…working Saturday. The teller who is quitting as of Friday this week called off, so the boss for some reason called another teller to come in (who was supposed to be off today) just to look at the schedule. And then, between the boss and the teller, they decided that the teller really didn’t need to be here right now but would be on call for the rest of the day. This didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me because the boss could have just as easily called me to figure out whether to have the teller come in to cover or not. But then I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…this is the same boss who, whenever on vacation even for just one day, tells me everything I’m responsible for as if I were 5 years old and/or had just been hired yesterday and/or have a learning disability. I don’t like people who act like they’re indispensable…

While I’m on the subject of my boss…I’d like to say that the boss spoils the hell out of the tellers down here. Our branch go opened 10 minutes late today because I was busy and not watching the time and the tellers are so used to the boss opening the door that they all sat reading books and not paying attention to the fact that we should have been open. Lovely.

8:30AM: Discovered a member has “disobeyed direct orders” as it were. We told this member we needed to physically see and take a photo of his newly financed vehicle or the approval for the loan would be revoked. We also told this member we needed a copy of a certain insurance document. The member brought a photo of the vehicle to us, told the person working on Saturday that the car wasn’t being driven presently, and gave us the wrong insurance form. The member isn’t driving the car in preparation to tearing it apart and restoring it and also because it doesn’t have plates yet. And the thing that annoys me the most? The member said the boss knows all about it and is fine with it. Now, I know the boss would not be fine with it and I am also pretty damn sure the boss knows nothing about this situation. One hopes the member has not ripped the vehicle apart yet so we can get this resolved.

10:00AM: So, for some reason, the Columbia Gas website killed my compy. I can’t figure it out…it wasn’t an image-rich website. It wasn’t a flash-dependant website. It was just a regular, garden variety utility company website. But when I minimized my IE window, my on-screen time clock disappeared and my entire computer froze. Not only that, but it took me 5 minutes to get the computer to shut itself off, and a further 15 minutes to get it back up and running correctly. I’m not tempting fate though…I’m not even so much as looking at IE unless I absolutely have to for the rest of the day.

10:45AM: I’m bored enough that I’m blogging at work again. Well…not exactly blogging. Our web filter blocks blog websites, so I’m composing a blog in word (hi) and then I’ll attach it to an email to my home email address and delete the blog off the system at work. I’ve done my last three blogs like this, I believe. It gives me something to do at work when I’m done with all the busy work and can’t stand to do any more CUU courses.

So I’ve decided I’m going to Burger King today for lunch. The plan is to get a chicken club with extra mayo and no tomato, a medium fry, a medium coke, and a York peppermint pie. If you haven’t had one of them smexy pies, you totally need to eat as many as you can before they take them off the market dude. Apart from the hot fudge (I’m not a hot fudge fan) they’re DELICIOUS! I hope they don’t cook the fries with a fish patty like last time…there’s nothing worse than fishy fries. {They did---ed.}

It’s probably too cold outside to eat in the car, but I’m gonna give it the old college try anyway. I didn’t bring a book with me to work and I like listening to Women of Grace every day. Not because I agree with the Catholics, but because I like listening to Catholics being stupid. Lol. Ooo…I need to get gas though. And I don’t have time on lunch to do that. Maybe I will eat inside today after all…I could always buy a newsrag.

11:00AM to 12:00AM: Lunch break

11:51AM: You know what makes me laugh? Thinking critically about religion. In simple terms (because I haven’t fleshed out the idea yet), religion was started because we as humans needed a way to explain what we really couldn’t explain. As our knowledge grew, and our educational opportunities grew, the things we chalked up to “god” or “the gods” became less numerous in…um…number. Now-a-days we can explain almost everything in one way or another (and they’re reasonable explanations based on observable facts) and the need for religion as an explanation is shrinking. The need for religion as a crutch if you will is still there…we still don’t know why we’re here or why bad things happen to good people or all that emotional stuff…but the need for explanations as to why the sky is blue or what a thunderstorm is or anything like that is greatly diminished. And Religion doesn’t want to release its collective stranglehold on human life. It’s amusing. I thought of this while listening to the Catholics bitch about some demon movie thingy. They were saying it’s frightening that at this movie’s promo website a kid can sign up to have their own personal demon (kinda like on the Harry Potter movie site where you could have your own mandrake root to care for) because that means “the evil one” isn’t hiding anymore and is really making a push to get all these kids’ souls. And without even thinking about it, the words “You idiots are the only people who believe demons are fucking real” burst from my lips as I laughed. So yeah…I was highly amused.

12:53PM: I’ve been emailing back and forth with an online friend today so I’m not as bored as I could be yay!

You know what annoys the snot out of me? People who don’t smile back at you when you smile at them. Especially if they suddenly become highly interested in the floor tile after they see you look up and smile at them. It’s like “what, am I not good enough for you to smile at?!” It’s pathetic. I’m taking 2 seconds out of my time to try and brighten your day a little bit and you can’t take those same 2 seconds and return the favor?! Bite me then, dude, I didn’t want to tear my eyes away from Wikipedia anyway! Excardon me for trying to give good Customer Service. I mean, that’s what this whole industry is about, dude, is customer service. And we both know if you didn’t GET good customer service you’d be in my office like a damn shot complaining about the tellers or you’d be in the boss’s office if not mine.

3:06PM: Played a lot of solitaire today. I really like Spider Solitaire better than regular solitaire. I did have a sort-of busy snap there for a hot minute. I scanned and indexed signature cards (but I didn’t file them because I effing hate filing and I get tired of seeing the tellers sit around reading books all day when they complain about being too busy to do CUU courses) and helped a member cancel their credit card insurance. Then I went to the post office and I got a title I’ve been waiting for in the mail from another financing corporation yay! FINALLY! I swear, apparently places like GMAC and Huntington and whatnot don’t like losing loans so they drag their heels sending title work and stuff when someone refinances. It’s slightly annoying because meanwhile, while I’m waiting and waiting for the stupid title, my loan manager is on my butt asking me why the loan hasn’t been on our loan list yet. And I can’t get mad at my loan manager because honestly, the loan manager's right. It shouldn’t take over a month to get a title sent to me when I pay off a loan for a member. I mean, I’d rather the loan manager called GMAC or whoever and complained instead of calling me, but they're right to be annoyed about it.

So anyway, I got my title work done and scanned an insurance document that cause my compy to freeze again ugh. I don’t know what’s wrong with my work compy today but it’s being a right bitch. Maybe it’s her time of the month too lol.

So now I’m just waiting for 4:00 to roll around so I can finally close my albatross loan. I call it that because this loan (and really, this member) is like an albatross around my neck. Technically, it should have been withdrawn because it’s over 30 days old but as long as the member comes in today I’m not going to quibble about it. I’ve been on the phone with this person back and forth about this loan for the whole 30 days…I’ve left this member 2 phone messages a week (when I could…for a while the voicemail box was full and I couldn’t leave messages). And the thing is…during that time the member has called me several times asking questions about the account. When the member’s on the phone with me, though, I can’t get a word in edge-ways lol. It takes this member forever to ask whatever the question is and as soon as I answer the question they’re like “kthxbai” and hang up before I can get the info I need and/or relay the message I need to relay. It’s ridiculous. But hopefully, this here member will actually make good on their word and come in to close today.

3:43PM: Think I’ll close it out for the day. Not because I’m done, but because my loan will be here at 4:00 or so and I don’t want to waste time after I’m done with the loan blogging my heart out lol. I have to stay after with the tellers tonite and I’d like to get out of here at a decent time because the hubs is home cooking for me lol. I got the vault counted already so that’s a leg up anyway. I just hope all the tellers balance and don’t stand around doing nothing. Guess we’ll see!

Addendum: In that last hour, I finally became DONE with the albatross. Woo-hoo! Though the member will probably be calling me soon asking about the debit cards and/or credit card they're supposed to receive.

I also proofed, printed, and scanned a teller's checks and verified another teller's drawer and basically stayed bored. But we got out of there at a decent time so it's all good.

I would like to point out to any CU compliance person who happens to stumble upon this or any of the other blogs I'm going to put this into that I have not mentioned my credit union by name, I have not mentioned any credit union employee or member by name OR gender, I have not outlined in detail any policy or procedure of my or anyone else's credit union, and therefore I have not violated any secrecy/privacy policy. And considering most people violate that policy every day (at least in my branch they do) one hopes that you will go after the ones who mention names and not this humble blogger.

Mood: Bored and annoyed

Music: random radio hits on canned radio

Location: My office

Dunno what to call this one...

As I’ve said before, I’m a daily reader of Daily Kos thanks to my mother. And a gentleperson who goes by the name of leisure on that blogsite said an interesting thing today. “You want to end this war soldier? Put down your gun and end it yourself.” The idea of that intrigued me to no end. What would happen if every single soldier in Iraq just simply said “no farther” and dropped their weapons? What would happen if they just sat down and refused to fight? Congress and the so-called president continue to drag their heels and fail to pass legislation to at least try and set a time table for pulling out troops out, so why not take matters into your own hands?

There are some foreseeable snafus with this plan. First of all, there has got to be at least one or two troops who are all for killing Iraqis and buy the right wing republican line hook, line and sinker. They’re not exactly likely to drop their weapons and join a sit in against the war. Another problem with this action taking place is the war itself. It is a war after all, and if an actual “insurgent” comes across an entire battalion or platoon of American soldiers “putting down their guns and ending it themselves” it would be difficult for said insurgent to not kill the hell out of them.

Thirdly, and this is the one I place the most stock in, you have to take boot camp into consideration. It has been my firmly held belief for quite some time now that the purpose of boot camp is not to train new recruits but to stamp out any touch of individuality these men and women have in order to turn them into mindless, faceless drones devoted to fighting (and fucking if you believe the stories my Navy and Marine friends have told me lol). And no matter how much individuality they gain back once they’re done with boot camp, it’s hard to turn off the “follow orders” directive once it’s been Pavlovianly instilled deep in your subconscious. My husband has been out of the Army for a good 10 years or more and he still can’t quite get over the “follow orders” directive. And even if they can overcome the directive, they risk getting arrested for dereliction of duty and getting thrown in the stockade. And I’m pretty sure the military is one organization you can count on to punish every single rule breaker, regardless of how many rule breakers there are. Which would then call for more troops to be deployed, which would probably reinstitute the draft…snowball, anyone?

It’s really easy for someone not in the military or with no military experience to sit back and tell the troops to ignore their orders because “they know it’s wrong.” It’s really easy to sit back and call them enablers and blame them just as much for this insane war as we blame the Bush presidency. But you have to be able to look at it from the soldier’s perspective. They’ve been taught since day one of basic training to love their country right or wrong, and to defend their country to the death. They might not agree with why, but you show them an enemy and they’ll kill said enemy. So no, leisure, they can’t just “put their guns down and end it themselves.” I dare say they are able to do that, but I don’t think they’re capable of doing it. It’s a fine distinction, but a distinction none the less.

Mind you, I do agree that it would be perfectly wonderful if they tried it, and if it succeeded because, in theory, if there are no soldiers to fight it then there can be no war to fight.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m a conservative or anything…I’m most definitely a bleeding heart liberal through and through. I just can’t and don’t agree with anyone who tries to blame the collective military of the USA for this bullshit war. Too many members of my family, and too many of my friends as well, have been or currently are soldiers for me to blame them for the continuance of the bullshit war. The blame rests squarely with a so-called president who abuses his power and a Congress who continues to abstain from making him stop.

El Ranto

So there are a great many things pissing me off at the moment and I’ve decided to tell you all about them. Aren’t you excited?!

We’ll start off with Mallrat Syndrome. I’m bloody sick of males in my generation (and the generation directly preceding mine) acting like it’s cool to never grow up. And I don’t mean the Romantic (note…Romantic with a big “R”) notion of keeping a spark of youth within you; I’m talking about the decidedly non-Romantic notion of acting like you’re a teenager well into your 30s. Granted, my generation on the whole hasn’t exactly hit its collective 30s yet. But the one directly before mine (and I’m looking at you, Kevin Smith) has. Isn’t it about time to grow the fuck up already? You’ll notice that these kids in adult clothing are having families of their own (or at least trying to) and holding jobs and whatnot and that’s great. More power to them. But standing outside the Quickstop and/or Mooby’s (please don’t sue me, I was lead astray!) doing not a damn thing all day is not only an idea which has had its time but is also an activity best left to the homework-oppressed among us. In other words…I realize you want to hang with your posse but perhaps you should let the teenagers drape themselves on the doorways of the convenience marts of the world and relegate yourselves to hanging out in your TV room. You want it with even less big words? STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING 18 YEAR OLD AND GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY. I’m sorry…I liked Clerks 2 and all but there was something unbelievably sad and depressing about a 30 year old Jay and Silent Bob hanging out outside Mooby’s as if they were 20-somethings all over again. And if I ever saw Jason Mews in a fucking mall just chillin’ I think I’d shoot myself. A moment comes in every person’s life when it ain’t cool to be a Mallrat anymore, dude. For the record…I own all of Kevin Smith’s movies except Jersey Girl and I’m actually a huge fan. I’m also practical and can distinguish between being cool and being creepy. And Jason Mews in Clerks 2…was creepy dude. And I ain’t just talking about the “tuck.”

You know, along with this lovely theme is nostalgia being felt by people who aren’t bloody old enough to feel it. Granted nostalgia doesn’t have an age requirement. But when people I know start to “get nostalgic” about events that happened not more than 3 years ago, it’s time for a reality check. And don’t even get me started on false nostalgia. If you didn’t live through it then BY DEFINITION you cannot be nostalgic for it. Plain and simple. Don’t believe me? Look up the god damn definition of “Nostalgia” in the dictionary. If you didn’t live through the 1950s, then you don’t get to be nostalgic for them. Which, by the way, if you want to return to the 1950s because it was all “so cool” then I suggest your refrain from calling yourself a feminist any longer (you know who you are, person I’m talking to). And in general…before we start getting all misty-eyed over a chocolate malt, a drive in movie, a poodle skirt, and a 57 Chevy El Dorado let’s examine the entirety of the decade itself. Actually, for me anyway, you don’t even need to examine the whole decade. I think looking at the rampant racism is enough to be GLAD the 1950s are fucking over. This is not to say that nothing good came out of the 1950s. Let’s just not fool ourselves into thinking it was a decade devoted entirely to milkshakes and Leave it to Beaver, mmk?

That can apply to most decades, really. Hell, it even applies to me and the false nostalgia I used to feel for my father’s generation. I had a hell of a lot of false nostalgia linked to the 1960s. Never mind the rampant drug use, the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic, and the host of other negative things that came out of that decade. Lots of good things came out of the 1960s…lots of bad things too. And it’s not really a time I think we should want to return to. We need to learn and grow, not backtrack and make the same mistakes again and again.

This brings me to my next rant-worthy subject. I’m not going to say a whole lot on this subject because everyone knows I hate Bush and all his stupid cronies. But look…things have gotten SCARY in this country dude. This is not really a country that anyone can or should feel proud of in my opinion. I mean, what the hell kind of country do we live in when the phrase “[Mukasey] is wrong on torture…dead wrong…” can leave someone’s lips? How can you be wrong on torture? TORTURE IS WRONG. Plain and simple…direct and to the point…WRONG. There is no grey area. There is no “issue” of torture. There is no debate. TORTURE IS WRONG. And now we have an attorney general who can’t comment on whether water boarding is illegal and a form of torture because he hasn’t been briefed as to the practice. Seems to me that practically drowning someone is, in fact, torture and TORTURE IS ILLEGAL. Not to mention WRONG. So it should have been relatively easy for this Mukasey dude to say it was wrong, but he didn’t. He waffled. He wanted to make sure Bush knew he was on Bush’s side so he waffled. What an arse. What the hell kind of country…what the HELL kind of CIVALIZED, FIRST WORLD country acts like this when it comes to torture? And why the HELL isn’t anyone DOING anything about it?! I’ve written to my congressmen. I’ve voted my conscience (which these days consists of straight party democrat and a whole lot of prayer). I’ve done what I feel I can do to try and stop King Bush the Second (not my phrase but one I liked enough to steal) from mucking things up for us any more than he already has. I feel like I’m the only goddamn one. I know I’m not…I read www.dailykos.com …but I feel like I am. Because no matter how much of a majority we have in congress now…no matter what the dems seem to be doing…NOTHING IS CHANGING. And it makes me wonder…considering the VAST amount of power we’ve given to Georgie Boy in the face of false terrorism fear, could anyone blame the next president from carrying on Georgie’s tradition? Seriously…would you be able to turn down all that power if it was offered to you by a vote of the people? Next November, we’re going to vote for the new Commander-in-chief. Next November, we’re going to have the chance to find and vote for someone who will have the courage to say no to this kind of power. Be responsible in your choice. BE RESPONSIBLE. Don’t just look at the issues (although the issues are important), look at the PERSON. It’s going to take a strong person to look at this unimpeached power monger (dare I say…DICTATOR) and all the power he has afforded himself at the expense of our civil liberties and say “No. This far and no farther. It’s time for America to gain some of its morality and respect back.”

By the way…for those of you scratching your heads over the segue way between repeating mistakes and Bush’s scary Presidency let me say three words to you…Persian Gulf War. If you still don’t get it…take a history course!

Mood: Bitchy
Location: Bloom County Serious Opinion Point
Music: Stronger by Kanye West