The Dark Recesses of My Mind

DEAD BLOG

2009-07-29T18:22:00.000-05:00

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ABANDONED. PLEASE VISIT MY NEW BLOG AT HTTP://MEWKEY.BLOGSPOT.COM . THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

Hard to blog with a sinus headache

2009-04-10T07:32:00.002-05:00

There have been so many things going on in my brain lately. I've been reading alot of mysteries by Dorothy L. Sayers, starring my favorite novel character Lord Peter Death Bredon Wimsey. The ones I read over and over again are set in 1920s-1930s Britain. They sort-of make me wish I lived during that time. I mean of course there are certain things that should never repeat themselves (like rampant racism, sexism, and classism...and the stock market slump that bankrupted lots of people and turned into a Depression), but still. I'd so love to have a bobbed haircut (oh wait...I do), a set of crystal liquor decanters and a soda siphon, and that sense of detached but good-natured ennui that seems to hang in a cloud over Lord Peter's head. I would spend my days reading books, lunching with friends, shopping, and SMOKING INDOORS. I would spend my nights at parties or out for dinner and dancing. Of course, this is all supposing I'm rich enough to be able to do all that lol. With my luck, I'd more likely be a one-time widow married to a common farmer in Yorkshire with four kids, all my teeth falling out, all my hair falling out, and a dead cow in the fields. And I still just might be happy with all that as well. A simple life.

I also seem to have fallen in love with MS Paint Adventures. I'm going through the "Problem Sleuth" adventure again because it gets hella confusing at the end. I'm hoping I understand more of what's going on this time around lol. I also intend to register in the forums so that I can be a part of the new adventure that started this morning. More than likely they will never use any of my suggestions, but I still want to feel as though I'm a part of it. Thanks to Eric (who will probably never read this blog) for introducing me to MS Paint Adventures lol.

Money is becomming tighter and tighter these days. I've had my hours cut at work (and might be getting them cut again before long), and the cost of food keeps rising so it's dashed difficult to get groceries. But we're surviving as well as we can. I've just had to redo my tax withholdings because I'm sort of tired of owing federal and state taxes at the end of the year. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how I owe State tax. It's not like there are different withholding percentages for married and single status like for the Federal income tax. I hope to god this downturn in the economy hits the bottom soon so things can at the very least even themselves out, but I greatly fear that won't happen for some time yet. It seems every day we hear about another large industry barely keeping itself above water and begging for bailout funds.

My head is pounding. I think I'm going to end this now and go register at the MS Paint Adventures forum site. Look for this blog to be cross-posted at some point today on Live Journal and MySpace. Thanks for reading!

Emo vampires erupting from the darkest portions of my brain

2008-11-24T16:52:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart. Sometimes I feel like it's been so long since I actually worried about myself that I've gone too far to be saved. Sometimes the music I listen to has such a huge effect on my mood that I suddenly write random blogs about it.

I feel like important, elloquent things are seething behind my eyes, waiting to explode from my fingertips. What ends up coming out, however, ends up being the same old emo bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like there really is too much time between my husband and me. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever make me feel complete because no one really shares enough interests with me. Sometimes I feel like I was destined to settle because I'm so far from normal that no one could ever fit me as well as I want.

Sometimes I'm so supremely unhappy that I just want to get in my car and run away from everything. Sometimes I'm so supremely happy that nothing could possibly go wrong. Most of the time I feel like running away. Fast. And never looking back.

Sometimes I feel like I would actually be ok if I really did run away. Sometimes I feel like the only way I would actually be ok is if I really did run away. Move to a larger city, leave everyone here, and start over. Stay in Ohio, but not in Mansfield.

Then again...sometimes a friend calls and makes me laugh and then suddenly the emo melts away and I feel like I can face things again. Thanks, Eric.

I'm pretty sure you don't read this blog o mine

2008-02-17T08:40:00.002-05:00

Time to rant!

Dear Eric,
Just who the fuck do you think you are exactly? Do you enjoy watching me spiral down and down, out of control, until I crash and burn? Does it make you happy being so goddamn enigmatic that I don't even know if you're actually my fucking friend, let alone wanting to be anything more? Do you have any idea how sick and tired I am of this stupid dance you seem to be doing around me?

All these fucking hints, couched in such a way as to be open to interpretation, and then you never say what you actually fucking feel. It's infuriating. It's...truly...infuriating. And yet, I just keep coming back for more. I'm fucking tired of playing this game.

Would it kill you to either just fucking come out and say "I love you too" or "I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you?" That would solve one of my big ass problems dude. That would save me alot of grief and headaches and whatnot. But oh no...no, we must be subtle and lead me on. We must make comments like "Will Batman and Robin ever escape the Quilter's evil stitching machine?" or "I would like to give you an escape plan" or posting that fucking song on that fucking survey. And it's always up to interpretation. You COULD mean that you really care about me platonically and you know I'm unhappy in my marriage so you'd like to make me happy by finding a way for me to leave my husband. Or you COULD mean that you feel the same way about me that I do about you and you'd like to get me away from the hubs so that I can be all yours. And will you ever tell me which is correct? NO! No, you won't, because you seem to enjoy watching me twist in the wind on a very thin peice of rope that's slowly winding itself around my neck. You like watching me freak out and jump to conclusions that just fuck me up in the head even more.

Let me tell you something, Paco. And believe me, this is the truth. If I do ever actually go through with a divorce (and believe me, that day IS coming) it's not going to have anything to do with you. I'm unhappy in my marriage whether you're in the picture or not. I wasn't lying when I said I'd leave him for you...but please don't get the impression that the only way I'd leave is for you. You just happen to be the first boyfriend I want to have post-divorce. So if you have some kind of fucked up notion that you can't tell me you want me because you don't want to be the "other man" then get the fuck over yourself. And if you don't want me in a romantic sense, then what the fuck is your problem with telling me that? Why hide that information? What possible reason would there be to NOT tell me you don't want me? I've already made it perfectly clear that I can handle that information and still remain your friend. I've already made it perfectly clear that your friendship means more to me than anything.

Regardless of your reasoning, I NEED TO KNOW. I need to know either way dude. I can't take all this pussy-footing around and not saying anything one way or the other. I can't take all the hints and innuendo. It's tearing me apart little by little every day...every time you call me and all we talk about is video games and Dr. Who...every time you send me those goddamn enigmatic messages on myspace...every time you suddenly stop sending me messages for weeks on end...it's killing me. I feel like pulling a High School move and sending you a letter...

"Do you like me? Circle one, YES or NO."

And why am I saying all of this on a blog you probably never read or even know exists? Because I don't have the fucking balls to say it to your face for fear of losing you forever.

Best Regards,
Jenn

A day in the life of a loan officer at a small, local branch of an Ohio Credit Union

2007-11-20T06:19:00.000-05:00

7:50AM: Walked into an interesting time this morning. The boss isn’t here today…working Saturday. The teller who is quitting as of Friday this week called off, so the boss for some reason called another teller to come in (who was supposed to be off today) just to look at the schedule. And then, between the boss and the teller, they decided that the teller really didn’t need to be here right now but would be on call for the rest of the day. This didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me because the boss could have just as easily called me to figure out whether to have the teller come in to cover or not. But then I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…this is the same boss who, whenever on vacation even for just one day, tells me everything I’m responsible for as if I were 5 years old and/or had just been hired yesterday and/or have a learning disability. I don’t like people who act like they’re indispensable…

While I’m on the subject of my boss…I’d like to say that the boss spoils the hell out of the tellers down here. Our branch go opened 10 minutes late today because I was busy and not watching the time and the tellers are so used to the boss opening the door that they all sat reading books and not paying attention to the fact that we should have been open. Lovely.

8:30AM: Discovered a member has “disobeyed direct orders” as it were. We told this member we needed to physically see and take a photo of his newly financed vehicle or the approval for the loan would be revoked. We also told this member we needed a copy of a certain insurance document. The member brought a photo of the vehicle to us, told the person working on Saturday that the car wasn’t being driven presently, and gave us the wrong insurance form. The member isn’t driving the car in preparation to tearing it apart and restoring it and also because it doesn’t have plates yet. And the thing that annoys me the most? The member said the boss knows all about it and is fine with it. Now, I know the boss would not be fine with it and I am also pretty damn sure the boss knows nothing about this situation. One hopes the member has not ripped the vehicle apart yet so we can get this resolved.

10:00AM: So, for some reason, the Columbia Gas website killed my compy. I can’t figure it out…it wasn’t an image-rich website. It wasn’t a flash-dependant website. It was just a regular, garden variety utility company website. But when I minimized my IE window, my on-screen time clock disappeared and my entire computer froze. Not only that, but it took me 5 minutes to get the computer to shut itself off, and a further 15 minutes to get it back up and running correctly. I’m not tempting fate though…I’m not even so much as looking at IE unless I absolutely have to for the rest of the day.

10:45AM: I’m bored enough that I’m blogging at work again. Well…not exactly blogging. Our web filter blocks blog websites, so I’m composing a blog in word (hi) and then I’ll attach it to an email to my home email address and delete the blog off the system at work. I’ve done my last three blogs like this, I believe. It gives me something to do at work when I’m done with all the busy work and can’t stand to do any more CUU courses.

So I’ve decided I’m going to Burger King today for lunch. The plan is to get a chicken club with extra mayo and no tomato, a medium fry, a medium coke, and a York peppermint pie. If you haven’t had one of them smexy pies, you totally need to eat as many as you can before they take them off the market dude. Apart from the hot fudge (I’m not a hot fudge fan) they’re DELICIOUS! I hope they don’t cook the fries with a fish patty like last time…there’s nothing worse than fishy fries. {They did---ed.}

It’s probably too cold outside to eat in the car, but I’m gonna give it the old college try anyway. I didn’t bring a book with me to work and I like listening to Women of Grace every day. Not because I agree with the Catholics, but because I like listening to Catholics being stupid. Lol. Ooo…I need to get gas though. And I don’t have time on lunch to do that. Maybe I will eat inside today after all…I could always buy a newsrag.

11:00AM to 12:00AM: Lunch break

11:51AM: You know what makes me laugh? Thinking critically about religion. In simple terms (because I haven’t fleshed out the idea yet), religion was started because we as humans needed a way to explain what we really couldn’t explain. As our knowledge grew, and our educational opportunities grew, the things we chalked up to “god” or “the gods” became less numerous in…um…number. Now-a-days we can explain almost everything in one way or another (and they’re reasonable explanations based on observable facts) and the need for religion as an explanation is shrinking. The need for religion as a crutch if you will is still there…we still don’t know why we’re here or why bad things happen to good people or all that emotional stuff…but the need for explanations as to why the sky is blue or what a thunderstorm is or anything like that is greatly diminished. And Religion doesn’t want to release its collective stranglehold on human life. It’s amusing. I thought of this while listening to the Catholics bitch about some demon movie thingy. They were saying it’s frightening that at this movie’s promo website a kid can sign up to have their own personal demon (kinda like on the Harry Potter movie site where you could have your own mandrake root to care for) because that means “the evil one” isn’t hiding anymore and is really making a push to get all these kids’ souls. And without even thinking about it, the words “You idiots are the only people who believe demons are fucking real” burst from my lips as I laughed. So yeah…I was highly amused.

12:53PM: I’ve been emailing back and forth with an online friend today so I’m not as bored as I could be yay!

You know what annoys the snot out of me? People who don’t smile back at you when you smile at them. Especially if they suddenly become highly interested in the floor tile after they see you look up and smile at them. It’s like “what, am I not good enough for you to smile at?!” It’s pathetic. I’m taking 2 seconds out of my time to try and brighten your day a little bit and you can’t take those same 2 seconds and return the favor?! Bite me then, dude, I didn’t want to tear my eyes away from Wikipedia anyway! Excardon me for trying to give good Customer Service. I mean, that’s what this whole industry is about, dude, is customer service. And we both know if you didn’t GET good customer service you’d be in my office like a damn shot complaining about the tellers or you’d be in the boss’s office if not mine.

3:06PM: Played a lot of solitaire today. I really like Spider Solitaire better than regular solitaire. I did have a sort-of busy snap there for a hot minute. I scanned and indexed signature cards (but I didn’t file them because I effing hate filing and I get tired of seeing the tellers sit around reading books all day when they complain about being too busy to do CUU courses) and helped a member cancel their credit card insurance. Then I went to the post office and I got a title I’ve been waiting for in the mail from another financing corporation yay! FINALLY! I swear, apparently places like GMAC and Huntington and whatnot don’t like losing loans so they drag their heels sending title work and stuff when someone refinances. It’s slightly annoying because meanwhile, while I’m waiting and waiting for the stupid title, my loan manager is on my butt asking me why the loan hasn’t been on our loan list yet. And I can’t get mad at my loan manager because honestly, the loan manager's right. It shouldn’t take over a month to get a title sent to me when I pay off a loan for a member. I mean, I’d rather the loan manager called GMAC or whoever and complained instead of calling me, but they're right to be annoyed about it.

So anyway, I got my title work done and scanned an insurance document that cause my compy to freeze again ugh. I don’t know what’s wrong with my work compy today but it’s being a right bitch. Maybe it’s her time of the month too lol.

So now I’m just waiting for 4:00 to roll around so I can finally close my albatross loan. I call it that because this loan (and really, this member) is like an albatross around my neck. Technically, it should have been withdrawn because it’s over 30 days old but as long as the member comes in today I’m not going to quibble about it. I’ve been on the phone with this person back and forth about this loan for the whole 30 days…I’ve left this member 2 phone messages a week (when I could…for a while the voicemail box was full and I couldn’t leave messages). And the thing is…during that time the member has called me several times asking questions about the account. When the member’s on the phone with me, though, I can’t get a word in edge-ways lol. It takes this member forever to ask whatever the question is and as soon as I answer the question they’re like “kthxbai” and hang up before I can get the info I need and/or relay the message I need to relay. It’s ridiculous. But hopefully, this here member will actually make good on their word and come in to close today.

3:43PM: Think I’ll close it out for the day. Not because I’m done, but because my loan will be here at 4:00 or so and I don’t want to waste time after I’m done with the loan blogging my heart out lol. I have to stay after with the tellers tonite and I’d like to get out of here at a decent time because the hubs is home cooking for me lol. I got the vault counted already so that’s a leg up anyway. I just hope all the tellers balance and don’t stand around doing nothing. Guess we’ll see!

Addendum: In that last hour, I finally became DONE with the albatross. Woo-hoo! Though the member will probably be calling me soon asking about the debit cards and/or credit card they're supposed to receive.

I also proofed, printed, and scanned a teller's checks and verified another teller's drawer and basically stayed bored. But we got out of there at a decent time so it's all good.

I would like to point out to any CU compliance person who happens to stumble upon this or any of the other blogs I'm going to put this into that I have not mentioned my credit union by name, I have not mentioned any credit union employee or member by name OR gender, I have not outlined in detail any policy or procedure of my or anyone else's credit union, and therefore I have not violated any secrecy/privacy policy. And considering most people violate that policy every day (at least in my branch they do) one hopes that you will go after the ones who mention names and not this humble blogger.

Mood: Bored and annoyed

Music: random radio hits on canned radio

Location: My office

Dunno what to call this one...

2007-11-16T06:01:00.001-05:00

As I’ve said before, I’m a daily reader of Daily Kos thanks to my mother. And a gentleperson who goes by the name of leisure on that blogsite said an interesting thing today. “You want to end this war soldier? Put down your gun and end it yourself.” The idea of that intrigued me to no end. What would happen if every single soldier in Iraq just simply said “no farther” and dropped their weapons? What would happen if they just sat down and refused to fight? Congress and the so-called president continue to drag their heels and fail to pass legislation to at least try and set a time table for pulling out troops out, so why not take matters into your own hands?

There are some foreseeable snafus with this plan. First of all, there has got to be at least one or two troops who are all for killing Iraqis and buy the right wing republican line hook, line and sinker. They’re not exactly likely to drop their weapons and join a sit in against the war. Another problem with this action taking place is the war itself. It is a war after all, and if an actual “insurgent” comes across an entire battalion or platoon of American soldiers “putting down their guns and ending it themselves” it would be difficult for said insurgent to not kill the hell out of them.

Thirdly, and this is the one I place the most stock in, you have to take boot camp into consideration. It has been my firmly held belief for quite some time now that the purpose of boot camp is not to train new recruits but to stamp out any touch of individuality these men and women have in order to turn them into mindless, faceless drones devoted to fighting (and fucking if you believe the stories my Navy and Marine friends have told me lol). And no matter how much individuality they gain back once they’re done with boot camp, it’s hard to turn off the “follow orders” directive once it’s been Pavlovianly instilled deep in your subconscious. My husband has been out of the Army for a good 10 years or more and he still can’t quite get over the “follow orders” directive. And even if they can overcome the directive, they risk getting arrested for dereliction of duty and getting thrown in the stockade. And I’m pretty sure the military is one organization you can count on to punish every single rule breaker, regardless of how many rule breakers there are. Which would then call for more troops to be deployed, which would probably reinstitute the draft…snowball, anyone?

It’s really easy for someone not in the military or with no military experience to sit back and tell the troops to ignore their orders because “they know it’s wrong.” It’s really easy to sit back and call them enablers and blame them just as much for this insane war as we blame the Bush presidency. But you have to be able to look at it from the soldier’s perspective. They’ve been taught since day one of basic training to love their country right or wrong, and to defend their country to the death. They might not agree with why, but you show them an enemy and they’ll kill said enemy. So no, leisure, they can’t just “put their guns down and end it themselves.” I dare say they are able to do that, but I don’t think they’re capable of doing it. It’s a fine distinction, but a distinction none the less.

Mind you, I do agree that it would be perfectly wonderful if they tried it, and if it succeeded because, in theory, if there are no soldiers to fight it then there can be no war to fight.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m a conservative or anything…I’m most definitely a bleeding heart liberal through and through. I just can’t and don’t agree with anyone who tries to blame the collective military of the USA for this bullshit war. Too many members of my family, and too many of my friends as well, have been or currently are soldiers for me to blame them for the continuance of the bullshit war. The blame rests squarely with a so-called president who abuses his power and a Congress who continues to abstain from making him stop.

El Ranto

2007-11-09T18:58:00.000-05:00

So there are a great many things pissing me off at the moment and I’ve decided to tell you all about them. Aren’t you excited?!

We’ll start off with Mallrat Syndrome. I’m bloody sick of males in my generation (and the generation directly preceding mine) acting like it’s cool to never grow up. And I don’t mean the Romantic (note…Romantic with a big “R”) notion of keeping a spark of youth within you; I’m talking about the decidedly non-Romantic notion of acting like you’re a teenager well into your 30s. Granted, my generation on the whole hasn’t exactly hit its collective 30s yet. But the one directly before mine (and I’m looking at you, Kevin Smith) has. Isn’t it about time to grow the fuck up already? You’ll notice that these kids in adult clothing are having families of their own (or at least trying to) and holding jobs and whatnot and that’s great. More power to them. But standing outside the Quickstop and/or Mooby’s (please don’t sue me, I was lead astray!) doing not a damn thing all day is not only an idea which has had its time but is also an activity best left to the homework-oppressed among us. In other words…I realize you want to hang with your posse but perhaps you should let the teenagers drape themselves on the doorways of the convenience marts of the world and relegate yourselves to hanging out in your TV room. You want it with even less big words? STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING 18 YEAR OLD AND GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY. I’m sorry…I liked Clerks 2 and all but there was something unbelievably sad and depressing about a 30 year old Jay and Silent Bob hanging out outside Mooby’s as if they were 20-somethings all over again. And if I ever saw Jason Mews in a fucking mall just chillin’ I think I’d shoot myself. A moment comes in every person’s life when it ain’t cool to be a Mallrat anymore, dude. For the record…I own all of Kevin Smith’s movies except Jersey Girl and I’m actually a huge fan. I’m also practical and can distinguish between being cool and being creepy. And Jason Mews in Clerks 2…was creepy dude. And I ain’t just talking about the “tuck.”

You know, along with this lovely theme is nostalgia being felt by people who aren’t bloody old enough to feel it. Granted nostalgia doesn’t have an age requirement. But when people I know start to “get nostalgic” about events that happened not more than 3 years ago, it’s time for a reality check. And don’t even get me started on false nostalgia. If you didn’t live through it then BY DEFINITION you cannot be nostalgic for it. Plain and simple. Don’t believe me? Look up the god damn definition of “Nostalgia” in the dictionary. If you didn’t live through the 1950s, then you don’t get to be nostalgic for them. Which, by the way, if you want to return to the 1950s because it was all “so cool” then I suggest your refrain from calling yourself a feminist any longer (you know who you are, person I’m talking to). And in general…before we start getting all misty-eyed over a chocolate malt, a drive in movie, a poodle skirt, and a 57 Chevy El Dorado let’s examine the entirety of the decade itself. Actually, for me anyway, you don’t even need to examine the whole decade. I think looking at the rampant racism is enough to be GLAD the 1950s are fucking over. This is not to say that nothing good came out of the 1950s. Let’s just not fool ourselves into thinking it was a decade devoted entirely to milkshakes and Leave it to Beaver, mmk?

That can apply to most decades, really. Hell, it even applies to me and the false nostalgia I used to feel for my father’s generation. I had a hell of a lot of false nostalgia linked to the 1960s. Never mind the rampant drug use, the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic, and the host of other negative things that came out of that decade. Lots of good things came out of the 1960s…lots of bad things too. And it’s not really a time I think we should want to return to. We need to learn and grow, not backtrack and make the same mistakes again and again.

This brings me to my next rant-worthy subject. I’m not going to say a whole lot on this subject because everyone knows I hate Bush and all his stupid cronies. But look…things have gotten SCARY in this country dude. This is not really a country that anyone can or should feel proud of in my opinion. I mean, what the hell kind of country do we live in when the phrase “[Mukasey] is wrong on torture…dead wrong…” can leave someone’s lips? How can you be wrong on torture? TORTURE IS WRONG. Plain and simple…direct and to the point…WRONG. There is no grey area. There is no “issue” of torture. There is no debate. TORTURE IS WRONG. And now we have an attorney general who can’t comment on whether water boarding is illegal and a form of torture because he hasn’t been briefed as to the practice. Seems to me that practically drowning someone is, in fact, torture and TORTURE IS ILLEGAL. Not to mention WRONG. So it should have been relatively easy for this Mukasey dude to say it was wrong, but he didn’t. He waffled. He wanted to make sure Bush knew he was on Bush’s side so he waffled. What an arse. What the hell kind of country…what the HELL kind of CIVALIZED, FIRST WORLD country acts like this when it comes to torture? And why the HELL isn’t anyone DOING anything about it?! I’ve written to my congressmen. I’ve voted my conscience (which these days consists of straight party democrat and a whole lot of prayer). I’ve done what I feel I can do to try and stop King Bush the Second (not my phrase but one I liked enough to steal) from mucking things up for us any more than he already has. I feel like I’m the only goddamn one. I know I’m not…I read www.dailykos.com …but I feel like I am. Because no matter how much of a majority we have in congress now…no matter what the dems seem to be doing…NOTHING IS CHANGING. And it makes me wonder…considering the VAST amount of power we’ve given to Georgie Boy in the face of false terrorism fear, could anyone blame the next president from carrying on Georgie’s tradition? Seriously…would you be able to turn down all that power if it was offered to you by a vote of the people? Next November, we’re going to vote for the new Commander-in-chief. Next November, we’re going to have the chance to find and vote for someone who will have the courage to say no to this kind of power. Be responsible in your choice. BE RESPONSIBLE. Don’t just look at the issues (although the issues are important), look at the PERSON. It’s going to take a strong person to look at this unimpeached power monger (dare I say…DICTATOR) and all the power he has afforded himself at the expense of our civil liberties and say “No. This far and no farther. It’s time for America to gain some of its morality and respect back.”

By the way…for those of you scratching your heads over the segue way between repeating mistakes and Bush’s scary Presidency let me say three words to you…Persian Gulf War. If you still don’t get it…take a history course!

Mood: Bitchy
Location: Bloom County Serious Opinion Point
Music: Stronger by Kanye West

Random things that annoy me

2007-11-05T06:14:00.000-05:00

1. The netspeak phrase "ur." I don't know why, but it annoys the ever loving snot out of me. I'm guilty of using it when I'm too lazy to parse out the entire word when I'm text messaging a friend or something, but I think I'm going to stop being that lazy. Maybe that's why it annoys me...becuase it betrays a certain lazyness on the part of the poster. As if they just can't be bothered to write out the entire word because they know we'll know what they mean. Really, I'm annoyed by all net speak (except lol and all it's derivatives for some strange reason) but "ur" has really been getting to me as of late.

2. People and restaurants that say "...served with a side of au jou." Au Jou is a french term meaning "in juice" or "with juice," it is not the name of a fucking sauce. I'm fighting a losing battle with this one, but I don't care. It fucking annoys me. The correct phrase is "...served au jou." Fucking stop calling the meat juice you're serving your sandwich or steak with "au jou!" AND ANOTHER THING...it's pronounced "oh zheuh" not "aw jew." Fucking Americans...

3. Here's another losing battle, thanks to Robin Williams and King Bush the second...THE WORD "NUCLEAR" IS NOT PRONOUNCED "NUKE-YOU-LUHR!" IT IS PRONOUNCED "NEW-CLEAR!" This has been going on for fucking decades and it really has to fucking stop. It is not a dialectical thing, it's a mispronounciation. SAY IT RIGHT!

4. People who can talk for an entire 5 minutes or longer and not actually get to the point they're trying to make. It happens at work, it happens at home, it's driving me crazy. If you need to know the last 5 checks that cleared your account, I really don't need to hear about how you went to Las Vegas for your vacation and couldn't find a whole lot of places that would accept out of state checks. All I need to hear coming out of your mouth is "My account number is this and my password is this and I need to know the last 5 checks that have cleared my account." If you have a further question about whether they can clear your check twice from your account or some such thing then ask me...do not expect me to understand that you have a question simply because you couldn't find alot of places in Nevada that would take personal checks. I've taken communication courses, I know how to listen for questions that aren't being asked, but honestly...is there an unasked question in the phrase "...and not many places will take an out of state check, you know, so I guess next year I'll have to take my debit card..."

5. People who feel superior to everyone else based on what they feel is an education level and/or their life choices. You know, you aren't better than me just because you don't eat meat and you went to Harvard. You're not better than me just because you don't own a TV and I do. And you certainly aren't better than me just because you own a Prius and have a solar powered house. It's, in my opinion, worse than people who feel superior to you because you're poor because it's a fucking double whammy. Not only do you think you're better than me because you don't eat meat, but you also think you're better than me beacuse you make enough money to afford to buy the Prius and totally remodel your home to include the solar power. It's fucking ridiculous and methinks it's time to stop.

I think I ran out of steam on this one. There is something else that's annoying me, but it's a rather specific subject and I'm just too tired to bitch about it. So yeah...have a nice day.

Location: Bloom County Serious Opinion Point
Mood: Pissed off
Music: "Straight Outta Lynwood" by Weird Al

Hell I don't know...

2007-10-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

Well here we are again. It's been a pretty shitty 2 weeks for me. Last week, I had a bunch of busy days at work (eew) and a big old nasty meeting I had to attend. Then I came home with a migraine on Thursday. Then I sprained my ankle on Friday. This past week my boss was on vacation which always makes for a bad time for me. Not only do I get uber busy when she's gone, but I also spend the week being annoyed because the tellers don't listen to me. They pretty much figure that when the tom cat's away, the mice will play regardless of any other cat that may happen to be hanging around. And the really shitty thing is I'm supposed to be keeping my nose on my own paper as it were (I was told in my last review that our branch as a whole spends too much time worrying about what other people are doing and not enough time worrying about what we are doing ourselves) so I don't even feel comfortable ratting them out. And some of it is things that need to be addressed. So ick. And my ankle has still been hurting me, though not nearly as much as the day after I sprained it. And Lori went back to Dayton, which is a good thing but I'm always a little sad when she leaves. I don't get to see her as often as I would like to, even though when we are together we spend most of our time in the "what do you want to do?" loop lol.

So not only all this junk...but also there's been minor guild drama going on in the Gaia universe which is always trying to the patience. And a friend of mine just found out her Grandmother has lung cancer which is not only making me worry about my friend but also is beginning to bring up my issues surrounding my Grandfather's death. And on top of all that...my cousin is having a hard time with her battle against leukemia. So I'm worried about that as well.

My mom and dad are heading out of town for a vacation and I'm watching the house and taking care of Mr. Anthony (their rather aged cat). I'm really really hoping that Anthony doesn't kick off while they're out of town because that would just ubersuck. But I'm pretty sure (as is mama-san) that Anthony's getting ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. He's not been eating much lately and has lost even more weight (and he didn't have much weight to lose to begin with) and he's been lethargic and drinking a ton and a half of water. Drinking a lot of water could be a sign of the beginning of kidney failure, but with a cat you can never really be sure what's going on because obviously they can't tell you if anything hurts or whatever. So yeah...Anthony's about ready to die. He's an old man though...he's I think, like, 14 years old or something close to that...so it's not exactly a shock. I just hope he doesn't suffer before he kicks off.

For those who don't know, about 3 weeks ago Steve and I moved into a 2 story house. We're still renting (though we might as well not be, considering we pay all the utils AND trash AND most household maintenance we're responsible for) but it's a house as Steve says and it's rather nice. I mean, it's not the best house in the world but it suits our needs and it's in a pretty good state of repair. Very modern. The thing is, Ginger (our middle cat...the diva) hid under the couch for the better part of our three weeks here. It got to the point where she had lost weight because she wasn't even coming out of hiding to eat. I was scared that she was sick or something. So Steve and I started physically pulling her out of hiding and making her eat for a while. She's out now finally, not hiding at all anymore thank goodness, and she's doing just fine. She's back to her old self. She still needs to put some weight back on, but other than that she's doing just fine. The other two cats took to the house pretty quickly and now they act like they've never lived anywhere else lol. They love the stairs...they play on them and sleep on them and everything else. Ginger I don't think is as big a fan of the stairs as the boys are, but she likes them just fine lol.

Jesus I'm sleepy. I had planned on having a nice old rant about Catholics and Bu-Bu-Bush and all kinds of things I've had a serious opinion about lately but I worked today which therefore means I'm too damn tired to have a serious opinion right now. Plus I kinda got all that shit out when I was at my mom and dad's house today getting their key and generally wasting my mom's time while she was supposed to be packing lol.

Why in the fuck is my husband obsessed with Rent the way I used to be?! It's really annoying the hell out of me and I don't know why. Just...GAH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!

To paraphrase Scott Adams of "Dilbert" fame...my hand is weary. That means my journal entry is finished.

Mood: Hoopy
Location: The Upstairs portion of my house
Music: Hopeully U2 if I can ever get it into the car

I need to get this out...and it might be incoherant

2007-05-05T18:01:00.000-05:00

So I just discovered something that has thrown a shadow over my entire marriage. It seems that MySpace uses spyware to see what sites you visit on your computer and then tailor makes ads based on your surfing. Which throws a whole hell of alot of light onto the type of ads I see on MySpace. Before Steve and I got married I basically caught him out looking at internet dating websites. Big fight, he denied it, I showed him, he skirted the issue, blah blah blah. We obviously got over it because we're married now. But here's the thing...I get alot of ads for internet dating sites on MySpace now. And at first I thought it was just random ads. They were all for people seeking women to date, which I found kind of odd, but since I thought it was just random I didn't really pay much attention. Then I find out that shit about the MySpace spyware. Which confirms to me that my husband is looking at internet dating websites when I'm at work. And that just pisses me off. I would never cheat on him. And it's not so much that it hurts as it pisses me the fuck off that he's looking for some internet slut to cheat on me with. Shouldn't he respect me and my health (that he claims to be worried about) enough to stay faithful to me? For fuck's sake, dude, It's common fucking courtesy if nothing else.

Ok, yeah, it does hurt me a little bit...but it's because of the reasons. I'm a fat ass, and I know I'm a fat ass, and he finally confessed to me the other night that we don't have sex very often because of my fatness. And I was fucking fat when he married me. I was fat the first time we had sex and every time since then. He's never been with a skinny me. So what the hell did he stay with me for if he had a no fat chicks rule?! I mean seriously...if it was never a problem before, why all of a sudden now? Why after we've signed a legal contract binding us to one another? Why didn't he just tell me when we were first dating?! It sickens me, it really does. Hell, society's stance on fat sickens me to be honest but whatever...say what you want, I don't give a shit. I'm fat and it's my problem and I'll deal with it when I'm good and bloody well ready so FUCK OFF.

And Steve, if you ever read this (and I'm sure you will, you goddamn stalker control freak), DIVORCE ME. If you want to be with someone else so fucking much and you don't want to grow with me and change with me and continue to better yourself while I continue to better myself then get it the fuck over with. I love you, and I've never stopped loving you, and I'll stay until you tell me to go...but for fuck's sake, leave if you're so fucking unhappy.

Old Friends

2006-12-02T19:02:00.000-05:00

Mike Crank found me. I can't believe it. After all these years (and it's been alot of years...last time I saw him was when I was still working at TJ Maxx and THAT was before I left college) he found me. I never even dreamed I would ever talk to him again and then suddenly, randomly, there he was. I cried, I won't lie to you. I was intensely happy to hear from him. And I bet he's embarrassed as hell right now because I know he'll probably read this and I don't care. I never stopped caring about him and I wasn't lying when I told him there wasn't a month that went by where I didn't think about him. It was an exceptionally good day when he sent me a message on here, I was very happy. But more than that, I was relieved to know he was alive and ok. He's in the Navy (but not for much longer from what I hear) and I was so afraid for him. I didn't know what he did in the Navy or if he was involved in this Iraq foolishness of GW's and was constantly afraid he would be killed over there. I'm relieved and happy to hear that he's alive and safe. With any luck, he'll show up in Mansfield or he'll live close enough to here that I can take a road trip and see him face to face again.

Also in the old friend news, Eric finally wrote me back. After months of wondering if he was ok and wondering if he hated me and all sorts of paranoid ravings I sent him an angry missive today...and he wrote back and apologised. It was...new territory for me. Usually when I write angry missives people get angry right back at me and I lose friends. I was happy this didn't happen this time. And I'm also happy to report that he wasn't angry with me or anything. He was just taking some me time. Which I can totally understand. So yay for reconnecting with Mike and Eric!

I'm so totally happy today! It's been something of a crappy day for me to be completely honest...internet's been fucking up sporadically, as has the cable. And I spent a good two hours at the laundromat washing sheets, blankets, and towels. But to hear from two of my best male friends (and also to have a good conversation with my third best male friend Doug) just made my day. I'm not exactly giddy with excitement or anything, but it's been a good day for friendship. Now if only I could get some of my friends to go out with me or something. I mean come on guys, I just took a shower, let's go out!!

*sings a chorus of "Take Me Out" from Rent*

Maybe that's what I need...maybe I need loud music therepy to get rid of some of this pent up happyness. Gah...I need friends dammit!!

*sings loudly to 80s music*

And finally, I would just like to say...that I love and adore my new phone and wish SOME PEOPLE WOULD FUCKING CALL ME!!!

I wonder what Megan's doing...

Current Location: My happy place
Current Music: The Big 80s
Current Mood: Cheerful

Oh the spootness

2006-10-20T22:02:00.000-05:00

Got a promotion. Yep. Finally. 5 years of blood, sweat, and working for shit money finally paid off. I'm an MSR-II now. What does that mean you ask? Well, I don't run a cash drawer as a rule and I have to open accounts and learn how to work up loans and junk and...that's about it for the differences. I get a desk and a cubical and all the fun that comes with that oh freakin joy. But I have to work at the Lexington Branch. Which sucks. It's slow, no one seems to want to train me much, and everyone other than the other MSR-II ignores me. Oh yay, what fun. I have one day to learn how to handle anything that comes up because on Tuesday and Wednesday next week I'll be all alone. Just me. By myself. Scary, truly, I cannot tell you how scary that is. It'll ultimately be ok I think...I mean, I don't think I'll have as much fun over there as I did at Main Street but I'll learn alot I think. I'm trying to remain positive on the experience but today ~sucked~! So who knows...

In other news, I have a septic tooth. Again. What fun. It's become unresponsive to pain medication which means I'm going to have to see the dentist in the near future. And it won't be fun because the tooth will have to be surgically removed (don't ask, just trust me) and about a dozen or more of my other teeth are rotten as well. I've half a mind to tell Jacym that I just want an antibiotic for right now and then when I take my vacation next year I'll have them all yanked and get false teeth. Yeah I know, I'm 25 which is too young to have fake teeth but you know what? I can't exactly schedule enough time off to get them fixed you know? It would take multiple trips to the dentist which would cost alot of money and time and with our insurance changing and me just changing jobs...yeah. Not the time for extensive dental work. Ugh.

I dunno. I'm in a bad mood right now and I'm tired and I left my book at work so perhaps I'm not really in a good frame of mind to be thinking about this stuff. It's been an annoying day. Hell, to be quite honest, I don't know why I'm blogging right now.

And I'm irrationally pissed off at Steve for playing the Sims. I think it's because he told me a long time ago he originaly started playing this game to try and teach me a lesson about doing housework and I've never gotten over that. If he's doing that shit again I swear to God he's going to regret it.

Perhaps I'll just take a by on the rest of the night and go to bed. Thank God it's the weekend. I should have brought my notes home with me and tried to learn something this weekend lol.

If my fairy Godmother is reading this...can I have my wishes now please? I wish to be independantly wealthy, to have perfect health INCLUDING perfect teeth, and for World Peace. But if I can only have one wish, then I wish for perfect health including perfect teeth. Thank you for your time.

Work in Progress...

2006-09-27T22:06:00.000-05:00

I think “skin” is one of the most sensual, sexual words in the English language. Especially when sung. Consider the following lyric…

“Let the rain fall on your skin…”

It’s like…abject sex. Just BOOM! Hello, my name is Peter Gabriel, and not only am I passionate like no other Englishman but I’m also sexually active and appreciate the sensuality of a woman’s skin and the rain falling around her! He could have just said “Let the rain fall” but that implies some sort of sadness or depression. He could have said “Let the rain fall on you” but that’s a bit awkward and imprecise. Also, “let the rain fall on you” implies a cleansing process. It can still be spiritual, but it’s not really the same thing. “Let the rain fall on your skin” makes a very pleasing mental picture, and with just the addition of the word “skin” implies an intimacy with the person being spoken to. That intimacy is reinforced by the next lyric, “I come to you, defenses down/With the trust of a child.”

Bugger this. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But yeah…there’s a lot of passion in Peter Gabriel’s music. A LOT a lot. And it’s infectious. You listen to enough Peter Gabriel, you’re going to suddenly find yourself with an excess of passion and no outlet. And then you’ll start reading way too much into song lyrics like “Let the rain fall on your skin” because all you really want to do is release some of the passion inside you. But you can’t. Because you live in America which is at once both the pr0n capital of the known universe and also the most puritanical, hypocritical society on the planet as it pertains to sex. On the one hand, a boob at the super bowl during prime family time television is cause for fines in excess of $500k, not to mention great public outcry against “our children being exposed to smut during good family programming!” On the other hand, the Porn industry is one of the biggest money making industries in the country, sex is constantly and consistently used by Madison Avenue to sell everything from cleaning supplies to beer, and prostitution is legal in Nevada. Buh? Schizophrenic, much? What it boils down to is you feel all this passion and you suddenly find yourself wanting to wear a cleavage shirt and a short skirt. You find yourself plotting ways to jump your husband’s bones at the weekend. You want to be vigorous and dynamic. And it all comes back to a need to be sexy, sexual, and sensual. Because of the passion. And thanks to Passionless America (see previous rants on subject), you can’t really do any of that. That is, you can’t do it while America is still taking her anti-psychotics. Cause like I said…Madison Avenue uses sex to sell everything. The fashion and movie industries use sex like gangbusters…especially female sexuality in the fashion industry. But that’s as far as it goes. Hell, women STILL aren’t supposed to like sex or engage in sex.

Or are they? I seem to be having an epiphany. There is a lot of sex out there in the mainstream media and advertisements. There are a lot of sexual clothes being sold. It's just basically the manic/depressive nature of america. 90% of the clothing out there is extremely sexual and yet we aren't allowed to talk about sex. It's like I said...it's all schizo. Or bi-polar. Hell...America has split personality disorder when it comes to sex.

Which brings me back to Peter Gabriel. Because even though he has a hell of a lot of nonsense lyrics there's a firey, infectious passion in his music. There's nothing bi-polar about it. It just is what it is. No high and low. No doubletalk. Just it.

Ok, at this point, I don't know what I'm talking about. I've completely blanked as to the reason I started writing about this.

You know what it is? It's GUILT! The Puritanical bullshit that started this country has whittled itself down to Lutheran Style Guilt so we put the sex out there, but we hate ourselves for doing it and....I'm really stretching to make a point.

So...how about those Mythbusters, huh? Crazy dudes, man...crazy.

I don't know. I honestly don't. I have things in my head that want to come out but nothing's happening. Ugh.

Shit it's 11. Me needs to go to bed.

I've just realized how much I have invested in Gaia. And how much I loath it and despise it. Sigh.

I'm done being schizo now. Yay for bed! Yay for Harry Potter! Yay for not being able to type at 11PM on a work night!

Dedicated to Grampa Debo...who is always in my thoughts

2006-08-16T19:12:00.000-05:00

Got up at 6AM. Took a shower. Got dressed. Tickled the cat. Went to work.

[Borus Interruptus]
So work sucked as usual. Cindy thought she didn't come in until 9 so I opened by myself. Ugh. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been. There weren't many night deposits or ATM deposits to do so it was ok. Then disconcerting things happened. Once Cindy got there, she and Pam were suddenly closeted together in Pam's office talking about undisclosed things. The Pam went to Ashland to help out because they only had one person (period) there for the better part of the day BUT...Jenni Paramore showed up out of the blue at our branch and...was suddenly closeted together with Cindy in the drive thru. So I'm getting paranoid as hell about what's going on with Cindy...like either I'm about to get hit for harrassment or some shit (long story...suffice it to say that Cindy don't like me and takes me the WRONG way all the time) or Cindy's getting MY next promotion. Which if I get passed over again...I'm so quitting. I'll not have 5 years of hard work go down the drain just because fucking Cindy seems to be all buddy buddy with Jenni, Pam, and Brenda O. Anywhoots...It was your typical day for the most part. I panicked a little bit because I thought it would just be me and Cindy to close tonite and on the off chance that one of us was off (because Cindy's off ALL the fuckin time) I didn't know how to show it for the over/short thing. So I frantically figured that all out but it turned out to be a moot point because Pam came back toward the end of the day. Then, poor Susie was off $3 and we didn't want her to just show it off because $3 or more counts against you. So Kristen spent most of the 4 o'clock hour trying to find Susie's offage. Suck. They finally had to show her off. Meanwhile, I forgot to take the mail out but I did get everything cleared yay! Susie was scheduled to be off at 4 but it was a little after 5 by the time they got her fixed and then Pam asked her to stay to learn how to scan checks. So I went up to Pam and said "I don't mean this how it's going to sound so I apologise in advance, but did you remember that Susie was supposed to be off at 4?" Pam hadn't remembered that so she sent Susie home. So then Pam decides to go shoot the shit with Cindy in drive while I was in the back scanning checks. Which I don't mind to do by myself because at least I know they're done right. But then Pam and Cindy finally make it to the scan room and Pam's like "I didn't know you were back here by yourself, I could have been helping you!" and I'm thinking to myself "Yeah right...what do you do, do you forget the entire schedule immediately after posting it?!" but I didn't say anything of course. I almost feel like she thinks I changed the schedule myself which I most certainly did not. I wouldn't overstep my bounds like that...well ok I might have with Dorie but I wouldn't with Pam. Pam's a good manager and knows her shit. But anyway...the upshot of the whole deal was I learned something new about the check scanning but we didn't get out of there until almost 5:45. SUCK. So then I went to Wendy's because I was starved but it made me sick to my stomache and now I seem to be exhausted for some ungodly reason.

And the odd thing is...I've not been as depressed as I thought I would be today. Today would have been Grampa's 65th birthday were he still with us and I thought I would be depressed as hell but...barring a little throat tightening at the moment, I've pretty much been myself today. I miss him like crazy though. I mean, he was in pain, it was his time, blah blah blah...but I still miss him bad. For all his faults, he was the best grampa ever. Here's to Donald Eugene Debo Sr...may he never be forgotten and may he always rest in peace. I love you grampa.

Where I'm at: The Cupboard Under the Stairs
How I'm Doin: Calm
In the background: Crashbox

August Fifteenth, Two Thousand and Six, Eight Fifty Eight PM EDT

2006-08-15T20:03:00.000-05:00

Got up at 6AM. Showered. Dressed. Tickled the cat. Went to work. Was completely alone on the front line until 10AM. Got alot accomplished. Came home at 1PM. Played on the computer. Watched TV. Masturbated. Played on the computer some more. Now I will be watching dirty jobs and playing Tak. That's about bloody it.

And you thought I was lying when I said my life was boring.

How I'm Feeling: Blank
In The Background: Dirty Jobs Theme Song

Passionless America

2006-05-13T16:43:00.000-05:00

One of the problems with America is the fact that, in America, passion has been replaced by ambition. Think about it...what's the first thing you hear about people from other countries? Their passion, of course! I mean, how often have you heard about the Irish temper, Spanish passion, Italian passion, Scottish passion, and the like? When you think about South America you don't think about business and rich people, you think about Carnivale and wild, hot, sweaty, FUN pig sex! When you think about Ireland you don't think about commerce and imports, you think about being in the middle of nature's magic and magesty, eating great food, getting piss-ass drunk on 100 year old Irish whiskey and (if you have any libedo at all) having wild, hot, sweaty, FUN, drunken pig sex! Now think about America...business, commerce, big cities, fast cars, smog, no fun, no SEX! And yes, I know, the porn industry thrives today. I know Madison Avenue uses sex to sell anything from beer to clothes (which is weird because one is customarily not wearing clothing when one has sex). But what's the prevalent attitude toward sex in this country? That Puritanical bullshit about sex being a "sin" and being "evil" and shit. God Forbid anyone should enjoy having sex!

I think the only country that's about as passionless as America has to be England, but even there you can see a pic of a nude lady on page 3 of the Sun newspaper. And you can see nudity on non-cable TV as well. So even the stuck up, priggish, prudeish English have a tiny spark more passion that us Americans do.

There aren't even any causes that inspire true passion in the Americans. The last time I saw anything approaching passion in the American public was after September eleventh and even that got lost in a sea of violence and racism. It depresses me to no end that what passes for passion around here is meaningless sex with anonymous strangers and throwing red paint on people wearing fur (PETA still has their passion, anyway). The strongest passion in America belongs to the Christian community and, I'm sorry, but that's just a waste. I'm all for religion and faith and all that happy horse shit, but wouldn't you think passion would do better to be used for your sig other than for a dead man?

Come ON, America! Whatever happened to passionate love? Whatever happend to all consuming, can't think of anything else, can't live without each other, I-Will-Die-If-I-Don't-Fuck-You-Right-This-Second, passionate love?!? Grabbing your lover, holding them in a tight embrace, kissing them with the full weight and force of love and longing, throwing them down and...well...I'm sure you can imagine the rest. Turn some of that energy you expend on things like workouts, getting to work on time, working 40+ hours a week trying to make that next dollar, shopping with your over-extended credit cards, and all kinds of other bullshit around into really passionate love for something. Get involved with homeless shelters, raise a ton of money for charity instead of yourself, and for Fuck's sake, throw down your woman (or man) and make wild, passionate, sweaty, sticky love to her (or him) before all the passion in America that's left dies forever.

DISCOVER YOUR PASSION, AMERICA!!! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

How I'm Doing: Horny as hell (I won't lie)
In The Background: Far and Away end credits (soon to be PotC Soundtrack)

Calling Hours and emo/goth bullshit

2006-04-23T20:48:00.000-05:00

This might be a little disconnected so I apologise in advance.

Calling hours suck. If you're immediate family anyway. Two of the longest hours of my life. They put you in this little room to wait for all your party to get there and then they lead you into a room where you are supposed to reflect on the deceased and think about your loss (what, now you're telling me how to mourn?!). Then they move you into the room where the body is and you're supposed to reflect some more. Then, with us, the pastor dude that's giving the eulogy said a prayer and we got to wait for the people to come and pay their respects. And since I'm a Grandkid, I had to stay to the bitter end (ugh) and watch all these people I don't fucking know file in, tell me they're sorry, ask me how I'm doing, and leave. My feet started to hurt, I didn't have anyone to really stand with because Steve went home after about an hour, and I felt like a damn robot. I cried a little bit, sure, and I acted like a good impression of myself, but I didn't feel like myself. It was weird. So, when 8 finally rolled around, I took my mom's advice and went the fuck home. I will be so damn happy when all this shit is over, seriously. I'm tired of people asking me how I am. I'm tired of people saying they're sorry. I'm tired of being treated like an invalid. Sick and tired of it all. You wanna know how I am? I'm fucking SAD is how I am. My Grandfather is dead. DEAD. NOT COMING BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN DEAD. How the fuck do you think I am? And it's great that you're sorry but you know what? Your sympathy won't bring him back. So shut the hell up. I'm fucking mourning the loss of one of the greatest influences in my life. That man loved his family so much he thought of nothing else. He always wanted to be surrounded by his family, he was so proud of us all. Even at the end of his life he wanted us all around him. That kind of devotion, love, and pride is an inspiration to anyone who was close to him. And "I'm so sorry for your loss" doesn't fucking cover it, it doesn't encompass this man's life. I'm not sorry he's gone...he was in pain, he was suffering, it's better this way. But damned if I'm not hurting like hell. And it isn't helping to have every damn person in the universe ask me how I fucking am. FUCK YOU. SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

And I'm fucking sick of these fucking emo and goth kids running around acting like all this shit is the greatest shit in the world. I don't buy for a second that Goth is a state of mind. I don't. I don't believe in all this shit. It's bullshit. Attention getting bullshit.

Selected excerpts from a YIM conversation I had tonite:

Shippo Youkai: And I worry about my friends

M i y u k i: yeah but worry about me how?

Shippo Youkai: As in I don't want anything to happen to you in any shape or form

M i y u k i: nothing has happened to me hon

Shippo Youkai: -nods- Mentally it has

M i y u k i: hon, i'm not an emo kid. i can deal with death without dwelling on it lol

Shippo Youkai: x_x please don't use emo like that..okie?

M i y u k i: erm, ok

Shippo Youkai: If anything I can't stand

Shippo Youkai: it's the emo stereotype

M i y u k i: look, whatever you want to call it, i'm not it.

Shippo Youkai: It's like you and using the word gay in the wrong sense

Shippo Youkai: XD Bleh, I dont' call it anything

Shippo Youkai: don't*

M i y u k i: ok here's the thing...there is an entire movement right now that calls itself "Emo" and the members of said movement are (for a lack of a better term) Goth lite. All the thoughts about death, none of the white/black makeup. Therefore, in order to waylay your concern, i said what i said to let you know that i'm not one of those depressed little assholes that run around pretending to be preoccupied with death and such

Shippo Youkai: hmm -thinks-

Shippo Youkai: Nope, it's not like that over here..

Shippo Youkai: people use it as an insult

Shippo Youkai: Emo is a music type

Shippo Youkai: and it is basically emotionally unstable

Shippo Youkai: And it's perfectly human to be emotional

M i y u k i: in any case...as i said...i'm not one of those emotional fuckers who has to think about death until they want to commit suicide to deal with death

M i y u k i: however you want to say it

Shippo Youkai: Ohh! You mean people who go for attention

M i y u k i: and i'd also like to say that as a gay man, you should have just as big of a problem with people using "Gay" like that as i do. using "Gay" to describe bad things give the term gay itself a bad connotation and the only way people are going to accept homosexuality is if we can erase the bad stigma associated with being Gay

Shippo Youkai: You're absolutely right Jenn. ^_^

Shippo Youkai: Infact I stopped using it a bad connotation (haha I love that word xD)

M i y u k i: and no i don't mean the little fuckers that do it for attention...well ok yeah i do mean the fuckers who do it for attention because they ALL fucking do it for attention. i'm sorry, i don't buy into all that goth/emo bullshit. it's just another way for teenagers to get attention and they need to grow the fuck up and live a little bit before they want to fucking die. GOD I am so sick of all this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!

Shippo Youkai: Yeah... I know, I feel the same way

Shippo Youkai: Attention grabbers urk me

Shippo Youkai: So do shallow people

M i y u k i: they're ALL attention grabbers...all of them. every. last. one.

Shippo Youkai: Calm down hon

M i y u k i: and i have no problem with people acting how ever they fucking want to...but don't put a name to it and call it a religion or a movement because it isn't.

M i y u k i: i am calm...if i wasn't calm, i wouldn't still be signed on

Shippo Youkai: oh ok

Shippo Youkai: I will be back , I gotta go to Albertsons <3

M i y u k i: you know what i want to tell these fucking goth/emo kids? i want to tell them to shut the hell up and learn how to dress. i like the whole goth look, don't get me wrong. but in summer when it's a million degrees out, how about we sacrifice style to practicality instead of doing the opposite, yeah? stop fucking trying to look the part and labeling yourself and put some fucking shorts on

M i y u k i: ok i'll rant to my blog then lol...have fun

I've run out of steam. I need something to eat, I'm starved. And I need to relax a little bit, read my book for a while, and sleep. I feel very very tired. Ugh.

How I'm Doing: Pissed off and depressed and many other things.
In the Background: Rent Original Broadway Cast Recording

Calling hours and Goth kids and Emo kids and what pisses me off

2006-04-23T20:21:00.000-05:00

I have fucking had it with people

2006-04-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, as most of you are aware, I lost my Grandfather to Lung Cancer this week. It's been a tough month for us and though I know he's in a better place now and not suffering anymore, it's difficult to let him go. I've been a wreck all week.

Having said that, I woke up this morning to my car being keyed and having the tire slashed. You see, the jackasses who live in the apartment next to our's have a BB Gun. They've been using the BB Gun to shoot up their apartment and various things on the porch and have generally been making violent assholes out of themselves to the point that every time I open our doors I lock up our escape risk cat to make sure he doesn't become a moving target on the outside. Well, on Tuesday this week there was some drama with Bonnie and Clyde next door. Clyde (I don't know their names, so I use psuedonyms) got into something with a girl I assume to be his ex-girlfriend and said girl keyed Bonnie's car. My husband and I saw this happen and chose, as we have about the BB Gun antics in the apartment and on the porch, to not do anything. Steve didn't want to get involved and I didn't want anything to happen in revenge for us meddling. But that changed. I went to the hospital to spend some time with my Grandpa and Steve stayed home to barbecue (he doesn't deal well with hospitals so it was ok for him to stay home). While I was at the hospital, the exgirlfriend comes back and starts more shit with Clyde, only this time it ends with her speeding away and Clyde taking pot shots at her car with the BB Gun. Not. Cool. So Steve, rightly, calles the Police. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Clyde are afraid of what the ex-girlfriend might do to them so they go upstairs to hang out with Butthead who lives in apartment 3. Steve goes upstairs to see if Butthead saw the shooting, sees Bonnie and Clyde up there, and comes back downstairs to wait for the Police. Cop comes and Steve tells the cop where to find Bonnie and Clyde. Cop takes Bonnie and Clyde back downstairs, tours apartment 2, but doesn't arrest anyone because he can't find the BB Gun. Cop tells Clyde that if anyone calls the police on them for this again, arrests will be made. Cop leaves, end of the night.

Which brings us to today. It isn't hard to believe that the fuckers in apartment 2 keyed my car and slashed my tire in retaliation for Steve calling the cops on them. My car was parked up the street a bit and not directly in front of the house, which leads me to believe someone was targeting me and not just randomly keying cars and whatnot. Considering what started this was the fact that Bonnie's car was keyed showes me what kind of people I am dealing with so it isn't a far leap to think that Bonnie, Clyde, or one of the hoard of people they have in and out of that apartment is responsible for the damage to my car. Plus, Bonnie's car has mysteriously disappeard from the street and we saw her walking home with grocery bags today. Suspicious, neh? Basically, even though I didn't see them do it, I know they done it. But considering I can't prove it, there's not much I can do about it. The cop who came out today told me as much. He also counseled me against persuing the case against them because of lack of evidence and also because something worse might happen to the car in retaliation for me pressing charges. We got the Landlord down here as well and he talked to the cop and he also, for the first time, saw all the damage in the apartment. The cop today said he was leaving a note for the night shift and if any of us tenants call about any disturbance at all, anyone in that apartment is going to jail. And I'm just itching for them to fuck up and do it. If they have any God Damned sense they will A: not do anything else to me because if anything else happens to my car while I'm home today it's pretty much a dead giveaway who did it. That's probabal cause, baby, and it gives me a better case should I sue. And B: they'll move out TODAY. They fucked up by messing with me. Clyde's ex-girlfriend might not call the cops or press charges against him but by God, I sure as hell will. If they thought all I would do is get a new tire and perhaps key their car in revenge they were sorely mistaken. With any luck, having the cops called on them twice in one week will at least get them to calm the fuck down until Tuesday when their eviction goes through. They've already been to court about the eviction and lost so they have till Tuesday to get the fuck out. Supposedly, they have someone coming over today to get some of their furniture and junk and they were going to "clean up" today as well. If that's true, and they have any God Damned sense like I said, they'll just get the fuck out today. But I know they won't. They're not that smart. In fact, I look for my CD player to be stolen, my apartment to be broken into, or my car to have something else horrible happen to it before this weekend is over. But once again...if that does happen...first of all it'll be whatever you call breaking and entering when it involves a car because my car is locked up and the windows are up. And also, if it happens while I am at home, that makes my case against them a little more solid. I mean, it's just too damn coincidental if my car gets keyed and slashed and I can show motive from them and then later the same day my CD player gets stolen or my other tires get slashed or whatever. I should call and get the number of my police report and the name of the cop that responded just in case something does happen.

And this is so not what I need right now. On top of getting ready to deal with calling hours and a funeral and everything that goes along with that, now I have car shit to deal with. I know things could get worse, things can always get worse somehow, but they aren't all that great right now. And of course this had to happen on a Saturday when I can't transfer money from my savings to my checking so I can get the tire fixed on my own. No no no...I have to call my effing father to come bail me out ONCE AGAIN! Fucking ugh.

April sucks.

How I'm Doing: Pissed Off!!!
In the Background: Street sounds, the fan, the hum of the hard drive, and the voices screaming in my head for revenge

This shit has got to stop

2006-04-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

At first, it seemed like a harmless little thing. And they were good ideas, if painfully obvious. But these TLC life lessons things have got to stop. It's not so much the life lessons specifically, but the idea that the American Public is so stupid they need to be told stupid little OBVIOUS things by TELEVISION in order to make their lives better. Lemme tell you something people, television is ENTERTAINMENT. PERIOD. If you need to have television teach you things then you need to turn it off, get a book or a newspaper, and READ IT. I'm serious, it's high time the American Public stopped acting like the stereotype of the ugly american and started upping the intelectual mark of their lives.

And don't feed me that political "Intellectual Elite" arguement. You people who run around telling other people to look down on us smart people because we're smart need to really shut up. It all stems from a deep seated feeling that you are inferior to us because you're not as smart as us. And while there is the odd smart person who does buy into that whole elite dogma, by and large us smart people don't really care about your IQ. We don't feel superior to you for being who you are or for having whatever your IQ is. And here's a newsflash for you...while all you people were out there talking about the evils of the "Intellectual Elite" you were with the other side of your mouth talking about how education is key. So which is it? Should we educate ourselves or should we remain slack jawed yokles who can't string more than five words together without saying or spelling something wrong, breaking a grammatical rule, or using a swear word? If you'll notice, I haven't once used a swear word in this entire rant, and yet I make a perfectly understandable arguement.

Here's something you should be doing every day. THINKING FOR YOURSELF. It is completely repugnant to me to think that people out there are letting political parties and religious figureheads lead them by the nose into believing whatever they want you to believe. It sickens me. Wise up, America. Don't call Bush a dummy because your favorite celebrity or politician told you he's a dummy, call him a dummy because you came to that conclusion yourself! Don't call Bush a good man because your pastor or his pastor or his spin doctor or the GOP told you he's a good man, call him a good man because you came to that conclusion yourself! Stop letting yourselves be lead into thinking whatever THEY want you to think. Think for yourselves! THOUGHT AND INTELLIGENCE are what the politicians fear the most. They want you to let them think for you, otherwise they wouldn't be in politics. That's the function of politics, people. "Let me do the thinking for you. I know what's best for you. So vote for me." Get the facts, educate yourself, do your own thinking, come to a conclusion, and vote accordingly. And when things don't go they way you wanted them to, VOTE THE FUCKER OUT! Don't blindly keep voting them in hoping they will fix the problem and suddenly start doing what you thought they were going to do. FUCKING VOTE THEM OUT!

Having said all that, let me return to my original point. INTELLIGENCE is the best gift you can give yourself. And TV ain't gonna give it to you. Oh sure, you might learn some mindless trivia about WWII on the History Channel, or about dolphins on the Discovery Channel, or you might get your daily "What we think you should know" news fix (if you're watching Fox News anyway)...but real intelligence comes from books people. BOOKS. Go out and get you a book on WWII if you're interested in it. Get you a book on Dolphins if you're interested in them. And for Heaven's sake, get you a well respected news paper if you want to know what's really going on out there. More than one. And don't fall into the trap of looking online to get your facts. The internet is DECEPTIVE. And quite often, whatever you find on the internet will be more biased than Fox News or the Mansfield News Journal. Educate yourselves people. There's no shame in it. It's a good thing to be smart. It's not a good thing to be dumb. Dumb people are historically and categorically the ones who are shat upon by society and it isn't until they begin to educate themselves just a little bit that they realize what the hell is going on and try to do something about it.

And while I'm ranting, let's talk about politics again. I recently heard on CNN Headline News that when VP Dick Cheny stays at a hotel, one of his requests is that his TV is tuned to Fox News. Fox. News. Do you have any idea how much this, while not being surprising, pisses me off? Cheny has been facing just as much criticism on the Bush presidency as Bush himself has and rather than hear and answer his critics he chooses to watch the GOP yes-men news on Fox. It's fucking ridiculous. Anyone who bitches about the "liberal media" need look no further than Fox News to see a gross picture of bias in action. There is no damn "liberal media conspiracy." There are trusted, respected news agencies and then there is Fox News. Fox News might as well change their name to "GOP Conservative Lap Dogs of the USA Fiction." I've watched it, it isn't news. It's more "We love Bush and if you don't agree with us, you're a commie pinko who hates America!" One wonders what they will do when Bush is no longer president (which thankfully comes in only 2 more years...let's hope he doesn't kill too many more people or reputations before that day comes). I've had it with this bullshit. How they have gone this far without impaling themselves on their own sword is beyond me. I mean, with Bush's approval ratings spiraling down and down and down, it's a miricle that Fox News can find any pro-Bush things to say.

But it isn't just Fox News I'm pissed about. It's the arrogance, the sheer ARROGANCE, of this administration. Innocent kids are dying in a bid to finish what his daddy started ( and failed at). They're trying to take money away from the poor and senior citizens while trying to tell them that they will in the end gain money. No, they fucking won't. But the rich ass businessmen Bush associates with will reap the benefits as the old people suddenly find they have no money to live on and the poor people find the same situation. And don't get me started on the pseudo-religious bullshit that is the fight against homosexual marriage. He might not be calling it a religious crucade, but it is one. I am sick and tired of him trying to push his fucking religion on my ass. In fact, I'm tired of him pushing himself on me in general. It's high time to kick his ass OUT. Time for an impeachment trial and hopefully if we impeach him he'll either resign in disgrace a la Nixon or we'll be able to vote him the fuck out 2 years early. People, he IS Nixon and Iraq is his Vietnam. Ponder that while I reload.

Oh Joy...The hospital again...

2006-04-14T18:41:00.000-05:00

WELL...Grampa's in the hospital again. Pneumonia again. Not. Fun. He can't breathe, he doesn't want to eat, he's so weak he's shaking, and I'm basically freaking out. He's depressed to boot. It's scary as hell. When I left the hospital tonite I bawled my eyes out. I ran straight to my mom's and sat and cried to her for a while. This shit sucks donkey balls. He's already tired of dealing with shit and it's only been a couple months. Cancer is a looooong haul when it comes to treatment and I can't believe he's already in this depression.

The good news is his white blood cell count sky-rocketed so his body is fighting. Considering how low his white blood cell count was before that's a total blessing. His red blood cell count is still dangerously low however so mom thinks they'll probably have to do another transfusion before he restarts chemo sometime around the 20th of this month. Problem is...with the pneumonia his lymph nodes are swollen again and the doctors can't tell whether the cancer is spreading to the lymph nodes or whether they're just swollen in reaction to the pneumonia. So basically they have to wait out the pneumonia before they can retest the lymphs to see whether they are cancerous or not. So we're on pins and needles waiting for him to kick the pneumonia.

It's hard to stay positive through all this. I can put a good face on it but when it comes right down to it, I'm truly scared that he isn't going to make it. If he keeps not eating he's just going to get weaker and weaker and that's (according to mom) what kills people in his situation. But on the other hand, there are people who have had cancer just as bad as his is and they have died much earlier in the treatment process than he is in so he's doing better than most people. His attitude scares me the most, though. It's like he just doesn't want to fight it and he hasn't even been fighting it long. He said today that he thinks he deserves to have this illness, which upset me the most. I can deal with him being pale and thin, I can deal with him being bald, I can deal with him not being well, but I can't deal with him being as depressed as all that. It's just too much.

Ugh, this fucking sucks so badly. I just wish there was something I could do. That's my thought every damn time I see him, why isn't there something I can do for him?!? I know I'm doing something for him by just being there for him, but for me that isn't enough. Ugh. Life gets complicated the more your grow up. No one warns you or prepares you for life's adult complications. They just let you be a kid...probably because you'll never be able to be like that again once you get older. *Sigh* whatever happened to the most complicated thing you have to worry about being whether you can ride a bike? When did it turn into worrying about where your next meal is going to come from or how long your grandfather is going to live before he just gives up?

Strangeness

2006-03-07T13:32:00.000-05:00

Gaia's busted. Stupid website.

I really don't have anything to say. I seem to have contracted some sort of "Make me exhausted all the time" illness or other. No matter how much sleep I get or how much rest I get I'm tired all the effing time. Ooga.

Like I said, I have nothing to say. Imma go see if there's any new Fatty Bigeye on goonland.com and then I'm off to buy chapstik, ciggies, and gum at the gas station before returning to work. Yay for me XP

Random Thoughts revisited

2006-02-17T19:16:00.000-05:00

Why in the hell is it that every one of my friends tells me to call them and to email them and they NEVER email me or call me? What the hell is wrong with them taking the initiative once in a fucking while?!? GAH!

Did you ever discover, in the middle of waiting on a customer, that you have a dry booger that is making your nose hurt? Then your eyes begin to water and you sneeze a couple times and then it turns into a soft booger and you're afraid your customer can see it but you don't really know if they can or not? And it's a busy day so you can't just finish what you are doing and go pick your nose, you have like 4 other customers behind them. Doesn't that suck?

What the hell gives someone who is mooching off you the right to screw with your shit? I mean what the hell? I let a "friend" use my computer and suddenly he puts random hidden files on my desktop and sets my AIM to automatically sign his SN in and basically just hangs out on my computer for a billion hours while I am dreaming of going to bed? He said he wanted to check his email, not revamp his whole goddamn website!

While we're ranting, what the hell gives my coworkers the right to tell me what I can and cannot say? If they make a request, fine. I have certain words I don't like to hear and I ask people not to say them around me and if they do the same with certain words I say that's ok. I am a respectful person. But what gives them the right to say "You can't say that!" and talk about me behind my back and call me all sorts of hateful names just because I say something they may not like? Fucking pricks! Ever heard of something called the Bill of Rights?!?

It all comes down to Christianity and Hypocracy. Many of the Devout Christians I come across in my everyday existance are fucking hypocrits. On the serious, man, it's ridiculous. They want prayer in schools but only if it's Christian prayers. What would happen if a non-Christian took a prayer to school to say it? The Christians would have a complete uproar about it, try to sue the schools/city/student's parents, and basically cause hell on earth. But if, say, a Buddist family decided to try and cause the same uproar about a Christian prayer they would be poo pooed away and told to shut up and deal with it.

My hands are weary. I shouldn't be typing. And yet, I am.

Fuck freeservers.com! Fuck them right in the ear! Lousy fuckers. I hate them, I really do.

I'm so damn tired I could fall asleep right here at the keyboard.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LORI! AND HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Hells bells, I'm tired. So bye.

I hate you, Eric. Just so you know. Bye now.

Going Public

2006-01-25T20:01:00.000-05:00

Ok I've basically been keeping this to myself except for a few close friends and my boss at work but I feel that I need to get some of this shit out so I'm going public. My Grandfather (my mom's dad) was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last week. We originally thought it might be a lymph infection because he had a feaver but it turned out that his lymph nodes were inflamed because they were working overtime doing what they're there to do which is to cleanse the body of any impurities. The feavers he was having were due to pneumonia that was caused by a build up of bacteria on his lung behind the tumor. He had been having bronchitis-like symptoms and had been trying to "tough it out" because he's a stubborn ass but Grandma finally dragged him to the doctor and...well...here we are.

The tumor was originally thought to be relatively small but once they got him in the hospital and gave him a CAT scan they discovered the tumor started somewhere in his neck, went down past his lung, and curved around in his abdomen somewhere around his stomache. In other words, it's fucking huge. I'm assuming it started on his lung and grew to mythic proportions because no one has been able to accurately explain to me how it is lung cancer when it starts in his neck and goes all the way down to his stomache area. The good news is it's keeping to itself and not spreading at all so it's going to be relatively easy to treat. The bad news is it's pressing on his esophagus and making it extremely difficult for him to breathe. So because of that and the enormous size of it they have fast-tracked his treatment schedule.

Yesterday he started his Radiation treatments and they put in a shunt for his Chemo. They had originally speculated that they would be able to remove the tumor surgically before they started Radiation and Chemo but that was before they did that fateful CAT scan and discovered just how big the fucker is. Their first priority now is to shrink it down to a more manageable size so that it isn't encroaching on his breathing passages before they remove it. So they started Radiation first. He was scheduled to start Chemo today. I don't know how that went, I haven't called the hospital to find out. But he seemed to do ok with the Radiation. He was really sleepy because of some drug they have him on. And he kinda freaked me out because while I was there he seemed to forget where he was and why he was there and Grandma had to remind him. That scared me badly. But all in all, apart from being dreadfully sick, he seems ok. He's ready to fight it, which is a wonderful thing. We weren't sure he would be ready to fight because of the way he has been lately. Ever since he retired he's been rather depressed and right before Grandma took him to the doctor this time he had been smoking a whole helluva lot and saying "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." So when I went to the hospital the first time to visit him and my uncle told me my Grandfather had told the cancer doctor (Dr. Dewalt) to do whatever it takes to kill the tumor I almost cried from relief. I am so glad he's gonna fight it.

Other random information: The first thing they did was put him on heavy antibiotics to kill the pneumonia and they were giving him breathing treatments and steroids as well to speed the healing as much as possible since he was on the cancer fast track as it were. Well, when they started giving him the steroids it sorta threw him into Diabedes (sp?) -like symptoms and they had to start giving him insulin injections along with the steroid injections. It was a nightmare. They give him one medication for one thing and then they have to give him another medication for whatever the first medication did to him. At one point, they were even giving him medication to cure hiccups. No I am not kidding, they actually have a pill to cure hiccups. My thought is, by the time you take the pill, the water you drink to take the pill will kill the hiccups so what's the point of the pill?!? I don't even know how many meds he's on or what they are or what they are doing for him. It's scary and ridiculous at the same damn time.

I've been completely emotionally dead lately. I am acting like my father - the only emotion I show is anger. I get angry at everything and everyone. I only cried for, like, 30 seconds when my mom called me at work to tell me it was lung cancer and I haven't cried since. But I have felt like I had to kill things. The night before last, when I came back from the hospital, I told Steve I needed to kill things so he put on Medal of Honor: Frontline and I killen Nazis for a few hours. I'm just so...angry. It's weird...when my mom had her heart thing I cried all over people for days on end. I cried myself to sleep most nights. With this, I'm angry and I'm not sleeping well and every time I eat I feel nauseous. And I got cold sores in the corners of my mouth which happens all the time when I get stressed. And the really sick thing is...I've been smoking like a feind. My Grandfather is suffering from LUNG CANCER, and I've stepped up my SMOKING. It's sick. It's twisted. But it's my crutch. One of these days it's gonna hit me and I'm gonna cry I know it. But I don't know when. I started my period today which means I've been PMSing and yet...no tears. And PMS is good for making me cry at stupid shit.

Other random information: My uncle Duane is a trained EMT and he's afraid Grandpa might be developing congestive heart failure because Grandpa's legs are dreadfully swollen. Which, congestive heart failure is a high risk among cancer patients so I'm all freaked about that. And my uncles are being complete and utter assholes (which is to be expected) throughout this whole thing. All they can do is complain. And then the other night Duane sat there and started talking about how he wishes he could take some of the pain on himself from Grampa and trying to get me to say that I would too. And I really would if I could. But the way he was saying it and talking about it on and on it was almost like he was trying to get brownie points with Grampa. Like he wanted to be the favorite son or some bullshit. It was all I could do not to say to him "Oh shut the fuck up you goddamn faker! You aren't helping!" And Dusty isn't much better. The day I found out they were giving Grampa insulin for his Diabedic symptoms fucking Dusty decided he was gonna bring Grampa a fucking milkshake from McDonalds. Let's give the Diabedic cancer patient some fucking sugar! Fucking ass. NO ONE is being practical in this situation except perhaps my mother. And all the boys are fucking bitching that Gramma isn't asking enough questions or the right questions and I'm like "Give her a fucking break, her husband is sick in the hospital with CANCER don't you think she has enough on her plate right fucking now?!?" I mean, she went home to get a shower and relax for a minute the first night I was at the hospital and Duane got Michelle (his wife) to call her at home after she'd been gone for about an hour to MAKE SURE SHE DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP because she wasn't back at the hospital. Meanwhile, my angry ass is sitting there thinking to myself "So what if she fell asleep, let her FUCKING SLEEP!" I mean honestly, what the hell is WRONG with that man?!? I say, let the Doctors do their fucking job, let Gramma get some fucking rest, and CALM THE FUCK DOWN! This is going to be a long process so calm the fuck down a little bit. We'll get through it. Fuckheads.

Happy Fucking Holidays

2005-12-13T13:47:00.000-05:00

Get the fuck over it. Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Not everyone is Christian. So is it REALLY that fucking difficult to say Happy Holidays and to not display a Nativity on public property? No it fucking isn't that hard. So get over yourself and show some damn respect for other cultures and religions. How the hell would you like it, you Christian zealot, if I walked up to you and wished you a happy Winter Solstice or Kwanzaa or Haunika (sorry, I can't spell)? Not too happy, eh? Well how the hell do you think I feel (or Jewish people feel, or people who celebreate Kwanzaa feel) when you wish me a happy Christian holiday (that being Christmas)? NOT TOO HAPPY. Well, I personally don't care but I can't imagine too many Jews are too damn happy about being wished a Merry Christmas. Get over your arrogance, get over yourself period, and show some damn respect. PERIOD.

Longer rant on this subject coming soon but I have to go back to work now.

The Great Ford Contour Conspiracy

2005-12-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

My Theory:

First of all, they build in blind spots in the front of the car so that you will pull out in front of people and wreck your car. Seriously. I can't imagine why else they would put these huge plastic THINGS over the joints where the doors meet the windshield. It's like they were sitting around the drawing board one night while designing the contour trying to devise a way to make even more money off the damn thing so they designed built in blind spots so you will wreck your car man! But then, they make all sorts of little safty features so that you won't die in the wreck or even sustain more than minor injuries...that way you are still alive to buy another fine Ford motor vehical. But they make the whole car just vulnerable enough to a crash that it will be totalled by the slightest of fender benders. That way, Ford gets the money for you car plus they hook you in with the safty features and excitingly smooth curves to make you want to purchase another Contour. And they get another $20 grand from you.

But they don't stop there. The have built in flaws in key components to your vehical so they can get you to pay for parts and service, thus giving them even more money. Why else would every single damn mechanic I come across know about the mysterious chronic failure of the Contour Transmission system? I ask them something about my car, they ask what I drive, I tell them, they laugh a smug little laugh and ask me how my Tranny is. UGH! And don't even get me started on the electrical system. $600 on a new alternator and $50 on a new battery and the damn thing still won't charge right. It's ridiculous. So here's more built in flaws for me to pay for, thus giving Ford even more of my hard earned moolah.

Yeah, this was funnier in my head than it is here. My bad.

Zubah!

2005-11-14T21:20:00.000-05:00

Zubah should replace bump on Gaia. It's such a fun word!

Today. Sucked. Donkeyballs. It was a total negative atmosphere at work and it put me in a total bad mood for most of the day. Add to that Steve's brother still being in the hospital and Steve getting called into work and me getting charged for a website I don't even use anymore and you got yourself some sucky times my friend. Sucky times indeed. I won't go into details because my head hurts and I don't rightly care about details when meh head hurts.

I had a nice weekend though. Very relaxing. I had friday off and spent most of it either in bed or at the laundromat. Day off for Jenny = Laundry day! Got the sheets and blankets and towels washed which was SO needed. Twas funish. So Saturday I basically lounged around the house. Moved my dresser so the cats won't jump on my head when I'm sleeping anymore. Then Doug came over and helped me move our easychair to where my dresser used to be. Then we watched MXC and he went home. Uneventful but fun to have company for a while on a normally lonely saturday around the house. The Sunday saw Steve and I lounging once again. We spent a brief moment at Wal-Mart (those facists!) spending the gift card he got for good attendance at work on drain cleaner, monkey bread, milk, and a pot roast. Mmm yummy. Well, except that Wal-Mart has SUCKY cuts of meat and we got scrizewed big time on that roast. It was so freakin tough and icky. Stupid Wal-Mart. But the monkeybread was awesome. I had never had monkey bread before. It made me want apples for some reason O_o. So after Wal-Mart, Steve and I watched Pirates of the Carribbean and The Last Samaurai and went to bed, surrounded by cats at all times. So yeah...nice, uneventful, restful weekend. My first really good weekend in a while. I'm usually just bored.

So yeah...that's about it really. No big political opinions tonight...head hurts too bad. Later days!

Are you an accountant?

2005-10-26T12:50:00.000-05:00

Tell me how this is possible. And don't explain the math to me cause I know mathmatically it works out.

I currently gross $756 per pay check
I work 80 hours per pay period
I get paid bi-monthly so I have 24 paychecks per year
Do the math, I make $9.45 an hour and $18144 per year

Our payroll has changed to 26 paychecks per year instead of 24
And I still make $18144 per year
Do the math, I now Gross $697.84 per pay check (expected) and I make $8.72 an hour

Now here's my question...if I make the SAME per year and work the SAME hours as before, how do I suddenly make $0.73 less per hour than I did before? It doesn't make sense to me at all. I know the math works, I've done the math on it three times now, both on calculator and on paper. And granted I understand that under the new system I am making 2 more paychecks than before. But I don't understand how I can make the same per year but less per hour than before. I don't see how my hourly rate would factor in with my 2 extra pay periods. It's the same number of hours, same yearly salary. O_o I just can't get my head around it. I mean, ok, I am satisfied that I am not losing any more money than I already figured on losing. And I am also satisfied that technically, I am not losing any money at all. I just want to understand it now instead of taking it as red that all is well, you know?

And I got so upset. And technically I am still a little upset because I was making $8.75 an hour before I even went full time and now I'm making $0.03 cents less and I've had three raises since then. So it's apparently going to take me another 2 years to get back up to where I was just a week ago. I feel like I am spinning my God Damn wheels with this God forsaken company, I swear. If it isn't my payroll being a big ass surprise then it's me being passed over for promotion while stupid little attitude girls who haven't been here as long as I have get promoted left, right, and center. I'm fecking sick of it. And now I have to go eat crow to Dorie cause I was way upset about this whole thing. I hate myself when I do that. And I know it is partly to do with my period. I feel like I would have been more calm about it if I wasn't on my rag and also wasn't getting this cold that has been hovering in my chest for this whole week. Plus I get bitchy when I am hungry and I was definately hungry when I read this little tidbit. But I still wish I could fucking control myself when I get like that. I am 99% of the time a pretty calm person but one little thing can send me into a tizzy and then I look like a damn fool. And no matter how hard I try I can't seem to control that bitchy part of myself. So basically, here in 5 minutes when I go back to work, I am going to have to go apologise to Dorie, tell her I did the math and it sorta works out, and eat crow. Major crow. Gah! I am so sick of this damn job. I am so sick of my temper. Here I am trying my damndest to get promoted around there and I fly off the handle about my goddamn paycheck. GOD why am I so HIGH STRUNG?!?! And why the hell can't I control it better? I've been living with this personality for 24 years now, why the hell can't I control it better by now?!? Everything's always fucking worst case scenerio to me and I hate it. I hate being like that. Which I understand admitting I have a problem blah blah blah. 12 steppers know what I am talking about. It's just something I have to work on. But how much longer will I have to work on this shit before I am finally a fully functioning member of society? It's so damn frustrating already around there and I only make it worse when I act like this (worse for myself anyway) so what the hell is fucking wrong with me already??? Fuck I have to go back to work now. I need a day the fuck off. I feel like fucking shit.

Foamy and insomnia and people with no brains

2005-10-24T18:40:00.000-05:00

Didn't sleep last night. Don't know why. I only know I am tired as fuck now. And Gaia is down for another 15 minutes at least. Suck. Watched my Foamy the Squirrell DVDs last night from first to last. Good times...kinda. Read my book for a few hours, still didn't sleep. Finally slept at 2AM. Then had to go to work this morning. Double suck.

These women...these (for lack of a better term) zombies I work with must be stopped. It's fucking ridiculous, believe me. I mean, when the tellers come to me with just about all their questions then you know there is something wrong. What the hell is >radio edit<>radio edit<>radio edit< to be doing all day other than the cash ordering on monday mornings (that I do more often than she does)? I wouldn't get as frustrated as I do if I at least had some damn authority or a wage that was consistant with the work I do. God, I am so tired of being taken advantage of!

Gender Specific Toys at McDonalds

2005-10-19T17:53:00.000-05:00

Why does it matter whether I am getting a Happy Meal for a boy or a girl? The Peanut Gallery responds "Because they have different toys for girls and boys!" And I understand that. But why are we re-enforcing Gender Specific roles at McDonalds? Has McDonalds become the last outpost of the 1950's mentality of dolls for girls and cars for boys? What if my little girl wants the Tek toy or the Matchbox car? What if my little boy wants the Bratz playset or the Barbie doll?

Thus the Peanut Gallery now screams "Then tell the cashier you want the Boy toy if your little girl wants the Boy toy and vice versa!" And yes, that's a solution. A solution I thought of. But that doesn't teach a good message to my child and it does nothing to dispell the myth of the Gender Specific toy. Basically, you are asking me to lie (bad) about my child's gender (also bad) just so they can get the reward they want (really bad). You are asking me to encourage my tomboy or effeminant male child to lie about themselves to make themselves more "Socially Acceptable." And you are still, whether I ask for the boy toy or the girl toy, re-enforcing an idology that really needs to die already. There isn't anything wrong with a boy who wants to play with a baby doll, nor is there anything wrong with a girl who wants to play with toy cars (or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!). But apparently, according to McDonalds anyway, girls must ONLY play with dolls and boys must ONLY play with video games (the toys at my local Micky Dees are a toy from a crappy video game called Tek and some baby doll thing or other). Here's a thought...how about we ask the parent whether they want the doll or the Tek toy instead of asking the parent whether they are buying a meal for a boy or a girl? See that? With one simple language modification we have erased the belief in a Gender Specific toy and encouraged the child to play with whatever he or she wants to rather than what Society tells them they "should" play with. In this day and age it is fucking ridiculous that there are commercials/fast food restaurants/whatever that are enforcing Gender Specific toys/roles/whatever. It makes me fucking sick.

Ok and now that my rant is over, a bit of news. My cat died yesterday. I'm rather upset about it. She was sick, we thought she was getting better, she suddenly took a turn for the worse, and then she died. It was awful. But at least now she isn't suffering. I miss her so much. She was one of the best cats in the universe, if not the absolute best.

RIP Curry 2003-2005. I'll miss you and I'll always love you.

Even more random thoughts

2005-10-14T18:11:00.000-05:00

I find there to be something sad about internet porn. Especially the "free" kind. I mean, it's sad to the point of creepy to think of some random person sitting in the dark in their bedroom on the internet in a "free" porn cam chatroom telling some random chick to take her top off or whatever. And watching the "free" previews seems sad as well. I mean, we've all dabbled in the net porn arena (well, most of us I assume anyway) and once you watch a couple things it's like, you just get hit by this sense that you are acting like the creepy guy you see on the street you know? Which is why most of us never get past the dabbling stage and actually pay for the shit. It's weird.

I'm pretty open about my sexuality. I am a voyeur and I enjoy watching people masturbate and I don't have a problem owning up to my own little fetish. I really don't see a point in not talking about things like this. I mean, ok, if you're like 12 then yeah no talkie about sex. But I am a 24 year old woman and I don't see why the world wants to be so damn PG. There has always been a taboo, a stigma, attached to sex. Especially with women. We're not allowed to talk about or like sex at all. And it's sad that even in today's world there is still that stigma about sex. You're supposed to keep it in the closet as it were.

It's a double standard really. Naked people on network and cable TV will get you fined to hell and back by the FCC. But to create the illusion of nakedness is fine. I can't walk down the street with no shirt on but I can walk down the street in a bathing suit top that barely covers my tits. Truly fashionable women's clothing has been trending toward showing as much skin as possible, yet pornography is still looked upon with disgust. It's a double standard, plain and simple. We're teaching our girl children younger and younger to show off their bodies and to ooze sexuality from every pore and yet I can't walk into a sex shop without someone shaking their head and tut tutting me for being a pervert.

I dunno what I am trying to say here. Imma go dick around on Gaia for a while I guess. GOD I so want to have an adult conversation with someone.

MXC

2005-10-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

ARE YOU KIDDING?!? I have to wait until SATURDAY the 15th before I can get my MXC fix?!? That is so not cool. It's been three weeks counting today since my regular Thursday night TV fix has been on. Shit pisses me the fuck off.

Is Queer Eye still on TV? Cause I haven't seen it in a while and I would like to see it again. The theme song reminds me of a Gay Bar Lori and I went to in Dayton.

Wow, I have three versions of the Mortal Kombat theme in my compy. Wonder how that happened? I really need to go through my music and delete things. And move things around. And rename things.

Fuck I'm Cold.

These cigarettes are so short I feel like I am smoking a joint. The fact that menthol makes me high doesn't help to dispel that feeling either.

Ok so...Liu Kang, Sonya, Johnny Cage, Raiden...that's all I can think of. That's all I need for a Worms team. Oh...Princess Katana. And Sub Zero but he was a bad guy so he doesn't count. And the other bad guy...what was his name?? I can't remember.

This song is so awesome. I fecking love Mortal Kombat. The first movie, not the game. I never could play that damn game and do any good at it. Although the newest ones seem to look pretty good.

Yeah so I'm going to buy Halo. So sue me. I've been so against it that it almost seems like a betrayal of myself to buy it. But I'm gonna. Or perhaps not. Eh whatever.

Scorpion. That's another one.

FATALITY!!! Lmao I need to not be listening to this right now. It's making me want to watch the movie and I don't own it.

Wasn't there, like, a Banshee too? Or was that X-Men? There was some chick who screamed though cause she used to kick my ass when I tried to play the old game.

Dave's playing his drums. He really needs to learn a new lick, man. He's driving me insane with the same simple lick over and over again.

Stranger's Wrath. The game where all the work went into the Environments, music, and skins and left the plotline woefully lacking. The game the ruined Oddworld. The game that made Loren Lanning fuck it all up and go in a "new direction." How I love the game....and yet how I hate it. Why did the era have to end on such a sucky note? Why couldn't it end with another Abe game?

Fucking mouse. How I loath this mouse.

FUCKING MXC!! FUCKING SPIKE TV!! HOW I HATE YOU ALL!!

Mmkay I think I'm done now.

Late for lunch again

2005-10-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

I just realized on my drive home for lunch that my thumbs are a smaller replica of my father's. How odd...because they work like my mother's.

For some reason I was thinking of a song from Rent today. Just one line. "On the 3-D IMAX of my mind...that's poetic! That's pathetic!" I don't know why that line ran through my head but after I thought of it I starting humming "La Vie Bohem" to myself with a conspiratorial smile on my face. It's amusing to see the puzzled faces on my co-workers when I smile to myself and they don't know why, especially when I don't know why I am smiling either.

I'm not sure when I am due back to work because I thought the clock said ten after when I left but the clock in my car said fifteen after when I got out there and when I got home the compy said it was 22 after. So I might just go back early.

I bought menthol 72s today instead of light kings and saved myself a whole dollar. I will probably end up buying another pack tonite of the light kings and will use that dollar I saved to spend an extra dollar on the pack. Smoking is a vicious cycle.

I have told myself twice this week I will not eat out when I left for work at 7:55AM. By 1:00PM I was pining for a cheeseburger both days, and by 5:30PM had decided to eat out after all. This morning I told myself not to eat out. It is now 1:34PM and I am not pining for a cheeseburger. Perhaps today I will be successful in not eating out and will be able to say I saved myself a minimum of $6 by eating Mac and Cheese for dinner. The Kraft varity.

Is coffee a gentler caffeine high than Mountain Dew or Pepsi? Because I had a cup of coffee today and didn't get jittery like I do on Mountain Dew/Pepsi and now that the caffeine should be wearing off I am not crashing like I do off soda. And I put sugar in my coffee so I don't believe it has anything to do with the combination of sugar and caffeine, unless I put less sugar in my coffee than is in a 12oz can of soda. Which is entirely possible I suppose. I shouldn't even have the caffeine at all because of the fiberous "lumps" that like to form in my breasts when I have too much caffeine.

Star Crunches are not the best lunch in the world, especially when paired with Sunkist orange soda, but in a pinch it works to stave off the shakes that come with low blood sugar.

I'm really beginning to loath Besta Fasta pizza. Perhaps it is time to stop eating there.

I need a massage. My right shoulder muscles have not relaxed since 2000 or so when Doug massaged that shoulder for almost 2 hours and finally got it to relax.

Random book quote: "I hate aluminium blondes. I wonder if I could get an aluminium bleach..." from Murder Must Advertize by Dorothy L. Sayers.

Lunch Time

2005-10-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

I like a man who wears loose-yet-tailored jeans with casual, lace up shoes. Not sneakers mind. But those nice brown leather lace up shoes that look so good when slightly covered by jeans. Doesn't matter what kind of shirt they wear...could be a t-shirt, could be a flannel shirt...they always look good. Even if it is a less than good looking man, he'll still look good in a pair of jeans and some nice shoes.

So I've been seeing some alarming tendancies in GW Bush lately. He is rewarding his cronies (read: zealots) with things like Supreme Court appointments. He is pushing for a "Literal Translation" for the Constitution. He is stocking his cabinet (and has been all along) with Yes-Men. Smacks a little of Nazism under Hitler. That annology (yeah I can't spell so sue me) goes back to all this Homeland Security nonsense. I mean, ok, yes I can see that we had more than enough adiquate (once again, I can't spell) proof that we needed to beef up our security on mass transit systems in America. Our own arrogance took the biggest hit on 9/11 when we suddenly discovered that yes, those kind of things in fact CAN happen in America. But when the Patriot Act (that I have intimate knowledge of through my work) was passed the first thing I thought of was Nazism. Seriously. I am not trying to be a "Flamer" here, nor do I take the Holocaust lightly. But if you really read about The Third Reich and do your research (I recommend starting with "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich") you will see the similarities I am seeing. But beyond that, as if that weren't bad enough, I am starting to feel like GW Bush sees himself as a modern-day Messiah. He's acting like he's God. And that ain't cool. Mostly because not everyone in America believes in the same God he does. But also because he needs to let this superiority complex go. It annoys me that I work with Religious Zealots, no matter what religion they are spouting off about. It scares me that the leader of America, who has almost final say in all new laws, who is in charge of making appointments to high-power positions in government, is a Religious Zealot. I mean it, it scares the hell out of me that he is basically pushing for a national religion a la England back in the 1700s. Hmm...1700s...England...American Revolution anyone? Let us not forget that one of the reasons we overthrew England and began to govern ourselves was so that we could have Freedom of Religion. Many people seem to be overlooking that simple fact. We didn't start the Revolution so that we could then found a country with a different national religion, we started it so that there WAS no national religion. And to make laws that are in keeping with any one religion, regardless of popular opinion or the secular interpretation, is in VIOLATION of the principles that this Nation was founded upon. No matter what spin the President's spin doctors put on it, the fact stands as above. And when we start doing things like overturning Roe V. Wade on "moral" grounds and making same-sex marriages illegal on "moral" grounds we get further and further away from the principles this Country was founded upon and closer to becomming like 1700s England.

I'm all for morals, don't get me wrong. But the thing is, Conservatives are using the word "Moral" in place of "Religious" or "Christian." Granted religion in large part is responsible for creating morals. But in the two examples above, you can clearly see that the objections center around the Christian Right-Wing beliefs of what is right and what is wrong. It saddens me to think that so much of this Country is more interested in pushing God and Christianity as "The only way to believe" than actually stopping to think about what is truly right and wrong. Is it right to tell two people who are committed to one another and truly in love with one another that they cannot put their love in writing and receive the benefits that love gives to other couples? Is it right to tell a young rape victim that the unwanted, unplanned fetus growing within her is a living being and must be kept until birth?

I leave you with this (or perhaps these) final thought(s). So-called right to life advocates, some of them anyway, see no problem with the bombing of abortion clinics, no matter how many people lose their lives. Some right to lifers also favor the death penalty. And let us not forget how many wars have been faught in the name of God and how many people suffered and died in the face of one man's interpretation of the Bible. If these people want to save the lives of fetuses, should they not also want to save and protect the lives of their fellow men?

Bewildered as to why I did this

2005-10-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Hola. Happy to see you here. As if I don't have enough places to Blog, now I have a blogspot. Joy. I can't say I have very interesting things to talk about. I can't say I really have anything to talk about. But I do like this font it is making me use in the editor so that's cool. Hmm...what to say, what to say...Ok if you want to know the real reason this is here, it is simple. I stumbled across Rosie O'Donnel's blog and she mentioned Blogspot so...here I am. Yay for Rosie. Though she sounds kinda cracked out on her blog. But still...Guess to each her own. I fecking love her anyway. Anyone who can be so open about being an abused child, gay parent, and gay foster parent is ok by me.

At the moment I am waiting for my loverly husband to get home from work. Which kinda sucks because I was hoping I would pick him up as I need to get ciggies and I hate having to smoke his. It's so non-PC to be a smoker anymore. I mean, whatever happened to the elegance and noir-esqueness of being a smoker? Smoking used to lend an undefignable air of mystery and elegance to a person. No one talked of shameful things like bad breath, stinky clothes, Lung Cancer, and yellow teeth. No one complained to you about your habit. If anything, everyone and their mom smoked back in the day so if you weren't smoking there was something wrong with YOU and not vice versa. It's like drinking. In the 30s and 40s drinking and smoking were THE social things to do. Every house came equipped with a bar/drink cart and a tin of cigarettes on the coffee table. People started drinking at like 12:00 noon and didn't stop until midnight. And yes, I understand that there are health concerns that go along with all that drinking and smoking, I am talking about the social stigma that has become associated with it. I mean, 80 years ago or so it was just the norm to drink and smoke. Now if you drink on a regular basis and smoke you are suddenly an outcast, deemed unworthy to be talked to because of your habit. When did that change happen? When did it become so damn non-PC to be a smoker?

Wow. Minirant. Nice. What a wonderful way to open a new blog. I dunno man. I'm glad of the advances that have been made both socially and technologically in the past 80 years and all, but sometimes I long for a simpler time. I long for slinky silk dresses in the evening, a tapered cigarette holder, a mink stoal (oh shut the HELL UP PETA, seriously!), and a martini. Alot of people my age (24) seem to want to return to the 50s. Well to them I say, why in GOD'S NAME would you want to hang out with Ward Clever and "The Beve" when you could hang out with Cary Grant and Greta Garbo? Fuck the 50s, give me the 40s or the 30s or even the 20s. That kind of style will never be seen again in this day and age or any other. And it's sad really to think that we had it almost right all those years ago and now all of a sudden we have things so totally wrong. At least I think we have alot of it wrong. Gah, when did things get so complicated?